Resolutions & Predictions

I've been doing this thing with my best friend for the past few years. At the end of each year, we do a round-up of the year. We put together our resolutions. Pretty typical stuff. We also do a predictions list- what are the good and bad things we think will happen to us this year. Here's mine.

PREDICTIONS
(This year, I decided to be more optimistic with my predictions. The key is to start the year off with some optimism. This is also part of my resolution this year.) 

1. You'll get more tattoos. 
2. You'll recommit to yoga.
3. Your body will continue to deteriorate.
4. You will get a job at an agency. 
5. You'll continue to prioritize travel in your life. You'll travel more. 
6. You'll meet someone worth dating. He'll be good for you.
7. You'll take better care of your body. 
8. You'll find more light in your world, and in yourself. You'll change your thinking/perspective.

RESOLUTIONS

1. A ride-or-die love.
   To stop settling for love/relationships that are anything but extraordinary. To stop letting loneliness and boredom dictate the level of love I feel I deserve. To quote, "There are so many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them."
2. No fast fashion.
   See how long I might last with this challenge of no new clothes. See how I might react without this avenue of stress spending; reaction. I am still allowed to shop vintage and/or local. Some exceptions to this rule: jewellery, shoes and homeware.
3. Try Whole30 once. 
4. A year-long commitment to yoga (and meditation).
5. A commitment to health, and taking better care of this body.
   I want to cut out the unhealthy junk I put into my body. I want to learn how to manage my gut health. To drink more water. To manage better sleeping patterns. I want to try a less meat-heavy diet.
6. Learn not to overextend myself.
7. Be more conscious of the negativity I put into the world.
   How do I think more positively?
   How do I become a better source of light?
8.  Take a trip. Take trips. 
9. Don't forget your friends.
   Maintain your relationships despite your busy schedule. Put time aside for the people in your life so they will stay people in your life. Make time. Place value on these relationships.
10. Move towards vegetarianism. 
11. Control your drinking habits. Reassess your relationship with alcohol. 

The People of 2017

Some flicks from this past year, of the people in my life who've come, gone, stayed. (Not all, just the ones photographed.)

COME

GONE 

STAYED 

New Year Resolutions [DRAFT]

1. A ride-or-die love.
2. Stop shopping fast fashion.
3. Try Whole30 once.
4. Learn not to overextend myself.
5. A year-long commitment to yoga.
6. A commitment to health.
7. Take a trip. Take trips.
8. Don't forget your friends. 

Vertical Images

I Always Wanted A Fashion Blog

23 Things I Learned In My 23rd Year

December is always a reflective month. The days get colder and shorter. The sun starts to set by 4pm when I am barely finished with class. The dark opens up questions that are easier to ignore in the sun and daylight. Another year is passing by quickly. It is my birth month.

When everything starts to turn to ice, I am reflecting more and more.

1. Live music is something important; something of a last salvation. 
2. There are really good men in the world. 
3. But it still may not work out, and that's no one's fault. 
4. It is better to invest in key pieces than it is to spend a little on a lot. 
5. Travel is important, but coming home is necessary. 
6. You will always have a home. 
7. You are entitled to nothing. You will always have to work hard, and then harder. 
8. Hold your body like something precious. 
9. You have a bigger impact on people than you realize. 
10. People see you as kind and sweet even if you do not understand why. 
11. Podcasts help make long bus rides go by much quicker. 
12. You have to end up on the west coast. You love the west coast.
13. Dancing can be a lot of fun. You have to remember to have fun and laugh.
14. I'll never have a real relationship with my sister.
15. You've changed. That's a difficult thing to do, to let happen. Honour it. 
16. Spending time alone to really love myself, is so so important. 
17. You choose people and don't, just as often as they do and do not choose you. 
18. Yoga is an important aspect of your life. Practicing is a good thing in your life. 
19. You're still the awkward child, but you're OK. 
20. In this life, you will lose yourself and find yourself constantly. 
21. You are not hard to love. 
22. You have to take better care of yourself. Your body will never heal fully. 
23. You will gain people and lose people. This is not something you will ever be able to control. 

November Favourites

Mad Men - In October, we had a strike that lasted far too many weeks. A couple days into the strike, I was informed by a classmate that Mad Men had returned to Netflix. I've seen Mad Men in the past because of its styling and wardrobe, but now it has me hooked for entirely different reasons. The dynamic characters, the social issues, the ad culture. The fictional agency of Sterling & Cooper does a great job at showing what ad agencies are like (and namedrops a lot of the original greats). Super interesting, super informative. Still super beautiful to watch - both in wardrobe styling and in cinematography. It's easy to understand why it won so many awards.

Dr. Jart+ Cicapair Tiger Grass Cream - This is a very expensive product. The plus is that you don't use a lot of it at once, and it works. My skin is likely my biggest insecurity. Lupus paired with rosacea leaves my skin so, so damaged. Not only is my skin inflamed but it is also dry and puffy. I have used products from high and low to try to fix and regulate my skin. This works. The gimmick is that tigers used to roll around in this grass (tiger grass) to heal their wounds. It is a very thick cream that I have to be very careful balancing because just as likely as it is to help with the dryness on my cheeks, it can cause breakouts on my T-zone. I am happy with it for the most part. It's a favourite.

The Ordinary line by The Abnormal Beauty Company - I see this company showing up on more and more bloggers' recommendations. I've only been using them in the past few months off some recommendations from friends and Into The Gloss. Currently, I have about four The Ordinary dropper bottles sitting around my room. The thing about The Ordinary is that it does high-quality serums and oils for a very affordable price. If I remember correctly most of the products are under $20, and these same products are much, much more expensive elsewhere.

Amongst my collection, I have: 100% Cold-Pressed Virgin Marula Oil, Hyaluronic Acid 2% + B5, Lactic Acid 5% + HA 2% and Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1%.

Communication Arts Advertising Annuals - So back in September, I started an advertising copywriting program at Humber College's School of Media. We're told to really dive into the advertising culture and see what that's all about. To do this, we should go through annuals and see what award-winning work looks like, what the mindset is. I've been through some of my professor's annuals, but I love Communication Arts. I picked it up at an art-focused bookshop. I find their selection of ads to be great, the articles helpful and insightful. The price point is also not bad for an annual since some of them can be upwards of a hundred.

Swipe Art + Design - Speaking of Communication Arts, I picked up my copies at Swipe. The shop is the official bookstore of the Art & Design Club of Canada. It is beautiful. Every time I go in, I want to buy everything. I can't because most art and design books are expensive, but the dream is a coffee table and a shelf stacked with books found at Swipe. Really, it's all art and design books. A space in my head looks like Swipe.

AGO membership - At the beginning of the month, I saw my friend Tara who ended up convincing me to get a membership at the Art Gallery of Ontario. Membership is $45 for students, and this includes entry to the gallery and many of its special exhibits. We went to see the del Toro exhibit specifically. Although art is no longer my main focus these days, it is great having the chance to go and have my viewpoint and mindset readjusted.

Double Cup Love by Eddie Huang - Full review here.

Mom's shaggy maroon jacket. 

On love and race, race and place

Eddie Huang is someone I have a lot of respect for. He has a unique voice in a space that can feel convoluted and overdone. From Vice to Fresh Off The Boat and now to Double Cup Love, I find his voice refreshing. And more than that? I think it's necessary.

I find myself reflected in some of Eddie Huang's writing. It's so hard to find myself reflected in mainstream media, something I'm sure so many children of immigrants understand.

Double Cup Love is Eddie's journey to China with his brothers. Following the success of his restaurant Baohaus, his Vice show and first book Fresh Off The Boat, he wanted to see if his food expertise will hold up to Chinese palettes. He wanted to see whether his success would've been possible if he was born in the Motherland instead of America. Simultaneously, he also addressed the question of dating someone who wasn't Asian, and if it was possible to still reach some kind of mutual cultural understanding.

I think Double Cup Love will be mandatory reading for any serious future boyfriends and potential life partners. (I'm assuming that most of these guys will be Caucasian if history proves to repeat itself.)

There are two major points that I think he addresses in the book that really hit home for me:

1. Time and time again, I've thought to myself that if I was not born and raised in Canada, I would not be as lucky as I am. I would not have been given the opportunities I've had. I think there are people out there who are smarter, more creative and more hardworking. But simply through the luck of the draw, I am here and I can do all this. I have so much at my disposable, so many resources to draw help and inspiration from. That is luck more than skill. I am deeply thankful and so humbled by this.
   
   One quote that really struck a chord from the book: "We are both Chinese, but so much in between, so much changed because you were born in America. I have lots of things I want to do. I have dreams, too, but I will never get to see them happen because I am born here with the parents I have."
2. Growing up in Toronto, I've always been exposed to so many different cultures. Within a 30-minute walk, it is possible to pass through neighbourhoods that span continents. That's incredible. Because of this, it has never occurred to me that other cultures can be daunting or scary. People and their stories are so rich and so fascinating. People are the best stories in themselves.
   
   As I grow older though, it has become more of a concern when I date. Is it possible to grow at the same pace as someone else over a lifetime? Is it possible to meet at one intersection, travel together and stay travelling together? How do we come to meet at that one intersection in the first place? How does it work when we start off at such different points?
   
   The reality is that my dating history is mostly white. Parts of it are even stark white, bleached two or three times over.
   
   I am the child of two Chinese immigrants. I am the first in my family to get a university education. And although it is not a thought that comes to mind often, English is not my first language. My parents are still not fluent English speakers. I still go with them to medical appointments to translate. This is a part of my history that I've never shied from. I am immensely proud of my parents who courageously came to a country they didn't understand, to build a life from scratch. The immigrant story is a powerful story.
   
   How do I translate this experience to someone who has a wholly different one? How do I understand their experience? How do I communicate the vulnerabilities, insecurities and prideful moments that come out of my history and existence? How do I understand the vulnerabilities, insecurities and pride that arises from another existence? How do we develop a mutual understanding and carve a new path? Where do we find the acceptance in all of this?
   
   These are questions I ask myself every time I date; every time there is ambiguity resulting out of a difference in (cultural) understanding. I know these will be questions I ask when I decide I've found my person. Eddie does a great job encapsulating these questions. (Spoiler alert: he figures out how to appropriately address these questions. He works through them, finds out what's important to him. It works out for him - kinda.)

An essay on breakups and funerals

It feels strange to be here. It feels strange to continue on. Mostly because of how simple it is to do just that. Wake up. Go to work. See friends. Feed yourself. Indulge in goodness and then some bad. Sometimes it feels like sadness overwhelms you, but mostly it is unbelievably easy to move on. The sadness, the ugliness of that part of life - we compartmentalize that away.

It hasn't been so long but it is already so easy to not see that part of my life, and then it becomes easier to forget that it existed at all. The part of a breakup that bothers and scares me so much is how much it resembles a death. It feels like dying. Only there is no burial or funeral process.

In a breakup as a funeral, it is a loss. Someone who became so important can become gone. It is strange, so strange how we stop talking. How is it that one day I will know all the mundane and intimate details about a person? But at another day, I cannot begin to say hello. The vain side of me hates that he can forget me so easily. The vain side of me hates that I can die, that I am dead in his world. A creased existence in his life.

I'm so bad at letting go. It makes so little sense to me when I have to. I don't want to.

In the past weeks, I have moved on. I see friends. I go to parties. I've gone on a date. I have done things that make me happy. Indulged in food, in wine, in sweat. In the positive attention and light of people who feel good. In many ways, it is surprisingly easy to move on. That part of a breakup is strange too. It is so easy for life to return to normalcy. For something that feels so devastating and dramatic in one moment, to leave no trace on any other aspect of life. Nothing else slows down or really changes. All the pieces that were there before continue to be there. All these other aspects; life unchanged. It is shocking how quickly and easily life can embrace someone and then how just as quickly and easily, it can spit someone out. No traces like they were never there to begin with. Like they will also never be there again.

In something I've seen recently, it said something like, our systems are designed to compartmentalize. To contain our bad moods, our sadness because otherwise, we would not be able to live. We have to be able to continue living. We cannot be so consumed by sadness that we do not move; cease to exist. Humans, in this way, are so resilient. Built to withstand the different destruction our world puts us through. Heartbreak cannot kill us. Not really. It's possible to forget. It is shockingly easy in fact. More inevitable than a possibility.

Soon, he is little more than a distant memory like the others have become. Visited only occasionally just like a burial site. It doesn't matter how well designed or how much money is put on a tombstone. Someday, a tombstone is just that. A tombstone, barely connected to memory. Barely visited.

I will become this to him. A tombstone in a graveyard part of his life. Little more than a distant memory no longer visited. I hate that I will be this to him. But we are the resiliency of the human spirit.

THE GALLERY WALL

I wanted to show off my gallery wall. Made up mostly of memories, personal paintings and art exhibits and galleries I've visited.

From the top, left to right (artists listed where they could be found):

1. A postcard from Tate Modern ("Hate and Power Can be a Terrible Thing" by Tracey Emin)
2. A print from the Ontario College of Art and Design
3. Petra Collins' solo exhibit at CONTACT Gallery ("Anna and Kathleen")
4. Postcard from San Francisco
5. An ad for Coppertone ripped out of a book
6. Instax photo of Charlotte and I at Voodoo Child Cafe in Toronto
7. An art postcard from ArtToronto 2015 ("Hypernurnia" by Mathew Borrett)
8. A photo strip of Charlotte and I at the Drake Hotel
9. A postcard from the Getty Centre in L.A.
10. My own watercolour painting
11. Instax photo of a potluck a few years ago (top), Devonte's going-away a couple years ago (bottom)
12. My own watercolour painting and collage 
13. A postcard from Tate Modern ("Untitled" 2003 by David Shrigley)
14. A postcard from the AGO ("Don't Tread on Me" by Basquiat and Andy Warhol)
15. Instax photo of a Starbucks holiday party two years ago (top), Mishi and I at North of Brooklyn Pizzeria in Toronto (bottom)
16. A photo of the mountains in Vancouver, 2017
17. A postcard from the AGO ("Anthony Clarke" by Basquiat)
18. A postcard from the AGO ("Study of Perspective - Tiananmen Square, Beijing" by Ai Weiwei)
19. A magazine cutout likely from Vice Magazine
20. A postcard from a local shop called I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU

Maslow's hierarchy of needs

Something to think about.

1. Physiological needs - hunger, thirst, warmth, pain avoidance, sexual release, and others
2. Safety needs - housing, clothing, financial and physical security
3. Love and belongingness needs - social acceptance and personal intimacy (Maslow argued that much of mankind's frustration stemmed from inadequacy in this area, since lower-level needs had been met. People can often say that they have eaten enough or own enough clothes, but who can say "I am loved enough"?)
4. Esteem needs - feeling of adequacy and achievement, approval, prestige, social status
5. Self-actualization needs - the need to understand, cognitively and aesthetically; the ultimate integration of the self and realization of one's highest inner potential

What's New?

1. My pseudo-relationship ended last Wednesday. It was an hour and a half of crying, silent begging and deep sadness. We both cried. I texted him after having one too many at an open bar event. He didn't respond. 
2. Ontario colleges are on strike. As I'm writing this, we're heading into the third week and I'm more than frustrated. 
3. I saw King Krule this past weekend by myself. I often forget how good it feels to be at concerts. It is one of the few places I think that we can still feel salvation. 
4. Work at the new location is good. It gets a little tedious, but it's good. The people are nice. The pace is easier. It's more relaxed. 
5. Winter is settling in. 

My friend, Henrieta's tips to deal

1. Men need to show the fuck up.
2. The ideas of 'crazy' and 'just in my head' are bullshit.
3. Listen to your body and to your emotions.
4. You deserve to spend your valuable time with people who do not exacerbate your anxiety (fuck that shit).
5. You're not unreasonable. You are a rational and compromising person.
6. Beyond thinking if you're good enough for others, think about whether or not they're good enough for you. 
7. You will stop apologizing for being a full human, a full dynamic human. That means there are good and bad parts, including the parts you're trying to build. 
8. For anyone to only expect your good parts and fuck off when shit gets real, can fuck off. 
9. You are loved. You deserve love. 
10. EXPECT MORE. 

Letter 'E'

1. Ellen at 'Ease'
2. Eden at 'Early Bird'

PROUST Q&A

FROM VANITY FAIR: The Proust Questionnaire has its origins in a parlour game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature. 

I first saw the Proust Questionnaire in MK and Ashley's Olsen one book, Influence. They answered the questionnaire themselves as well as giving it to the interviewees in their book. Somewhere under my bed in an old shoe box, I have old Proust Questionnaires that I've filled out over the years. I think it's interesting to see how our responses change over time. What influences us over the years? How has experience, society, fear, love change us? The Questionnaire featured in Influence included different questions but these are similar.

From October 2017, here are the questions and my answers. I encourage you to think about these questions, answer them. See how they change. My answers now certainly aren't the same as my answers at age 16.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Between adventure (seeing new things) and staying in bed with a special man.

What is your greatest fear?
Being abandoned.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I'm an awfully shy person.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Lack of kindness.

Which living person do you most admire?
My mother - for all her forgiveness, strengths and failures.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Clothing.

What is your current state of mind?
Between restlessness and tired

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Beauty

On what occasion do you lie?
When I feel that the truth cannot satisfy.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My skin.

Which living person do you most despise?
At this point, my last manager - without much vengeance but for the sake of the question.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Kindness, patience, thoughtfulness.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Strength, courage, recklessness.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
My own indecisiveness

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
San Francisco and art

When and where were you happiest?
I am happiest when I travel, but I am pretty happy now. It feels like all the pieces of my life are falling into place.

Which talent would you most like to have?
Patience

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I wouldn't be sick.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Surviving the most disastrous year of my life in 2012

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?
A cat or some part of a forest.

Where would you most like to live?
San Francisco, Vancouver, right here in Toronto

What is your most treasured possession?
All my journals, some of my books

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Feeling as if you're not quite good enough/ feeling immense blinding physical pain

What is your favourite occupation?
Lover

What is your most marked characteristic?
Cheeks and snark

What do you most value in your friends?
Kindness

Who are your favourite writers?
Murakami

Who is your hero of fiction?
The damaged.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I'm not sure.

Who are your heroes in real life?
My mom and my best friend

What are your favourite names?
Those named after cities and places

What is that you most dislike?
Entitlement

What is your greatest regret?
Doing too much and not doing enough; all the ways my heart is broken, all the ways I didn't like it open

How would you like to die?
Without stuff left to do

What is your motto?
The rose is without why.

Be curious, not judgemental.

Who's that girl?

I recently got some film developed. When I was emailed the scans, they accidentally emailed the scans for someone else's film too. I don't know who these people are. Presumably, from Toronto, young, a lot of fun. Although this is probably some kind of violation, here are my favourites from someone else's roll of film. They look like fun people. There's a lot of pictures with this girl. It would be interesting to meet her.

Favourite Flicks

Pictured above: Tara, Will and myself.

September Favourites

Two Dope Queens - I now spend a lot of time on public transit getting to and from school. It is roughly about an hour each way.

My yoga practice - As my schedule crams up with so much to do between school and work, I am falling back into my yoga practice. I am finding solace and comfort in my practice. It is so good to have an hour where I am not thinking of anything else. No other commitments, nowhere else to be but these four walls and only the bodies in this room. Only my body and its movement at present. For once, nothing else exists in the world. This is an addictive feeling - to feel actually present instead of stretched between here and there, now and three weeks from now, now and a year from now. We spend too much time existing where we do not. It is refreshing and so necessary to for once be where I am.

Uncle Tetsu cheese tarts - I am trying not to indulge in these too much but it is hard. They are sweet but with a saltiness to them. Creamy and rich. It is something that engulfs your whole mouth, your whole palette. A single tart will be enough for one sitting. I usually slice it in half to split between two as to not overindulge. It is hard not to constantly go back for more. I prefer the original.

September has been a month of trying to land on my feet. After being away from any kind of school environment for two years, I've been trying really hard to hit the ground running. I'm trying really hard to stay on top of all my work. Some days are more successful than others. Some days, I run to my friend Ellen and Will nearly crying. Or sometimes, crying. It hasn't been easy finding that balance but I am trying. I think it has been OK so far. September is for starting anew. 

Will and I at Niagara Falls

Date no. 9

I'm smitten and I think it shows. I think it is very obvious and I have made no attempts to hide it. I'm smitten and then I have to admit that for the first time in a while, I am happy.

Mom, don't worry about me. I think I'm finally figuring things out. I'm finding my way. 

Yesterday, he wrote an important exam. I could tell he was tired when I asked him to hang out with me at the park. He looked so sleepy. We laid in the park, basked in the last of summer's sunshine. He told me that he was glad he came out even though he was tired. It was a beautiful day - one worthy of being celebrated.

I appreciate that he is someone who will say yes to me, who will say yes to my whims. This need of mine to be outside and to do things, to never feel trapped. He is someone who will say yes when he starts to see the ways I falter, my inconsistencies, and the way I am stubborn. I appreciate that he is so different from me in this way. Kinder than me, more patient than me, likely more forgiving than me. He is far warmer than what I'm used to dating.

Yesterday, we sat at the park for about an hour, maybe a little more. We spent the time trading more stories, more experiences. I was reminded the way that dating is the way we fill each other in on the details of our lives. He told me the time he drank the Sourtoe Cocktail. He told me the time and the way his grandpa admitted to smoking marijuana. I told him about my dad's reaction to the legalization of marijuana. We talked about the way that Ontario will roll out its own legalization process. I showed him some of the thumbnails I was working on. We were laying in the grass. I was rolling around. I felt really happy; it felt light. After about an hour, I recommended Hanmoto for dinner. A Japanese bar with tapas-style food. We had to wait, but he really enjoyed the spot. We each got cocktails, split the food. If I'm honest, when I say I'm smitten, I like just spending time with him. I move outside of myself and I realize I like just sitting across him, waiting for our food. I like watching him. I like these moments. I'm very smitten. After dinner, we migrated to his place. We chatted with his roommate. I appreciate the way he introduces me to the different parts of his life - the parts of life that build a real person, a real existence. We spent the evening watching Twin Peaks, cuddling and making out. I went home at the end of the night, but I didn't really want to. I wanted to spend more time with him. I didn't think he wanted me to leave either. We spent an hour "leaving".

On the porch, we hugged and kissed goodbye. I think I am becoming less frightened that he will be someone who disappears from my life without so much as another thought. It is a wonderful evening. I like the way he pats my head. I like the way he holds me, tightly but with a pressure that says he is worried that he may snap me. I am happy thinking about it. He feels safe. He is easy to talk to, someone I'm comfortable around, and he feels safe. I'm smitten. I like him. I really like our time together.

I'm a fan of this one.

Tommy Thompson Park

This is a photo from the day he first kissed me. We went for a 5-kilometre trail through Tommy Thompson Park, making it a 10-kilometre hike (walk). My feet will be sore for a week and a half after. It will hurt so much that I am unable to walk for two days. He kissed me when we were sitting on some rocks, watching sailboats and the city skyline. When I'm with him, I never want to stop.

I met him at a pool party almost three months ago. It was an old university acquaintance - someone I had classes with and sat at a couple pubs with, but not someone I spent a lot of time with. It was through another mutual friend that I was invited at all. It is funny how these things happen. Funny how coincidental life is. When we tell people we met at a pool party, I wonder who I am. I wonder how these things happen to me. This doesn't seem or feel like something that will happen to me. I met this boy at a pool party and I assumed I would never see him again. Nearly three months later, I miss him when I don't see him. I like hearing him laugh. 

Last Saturday, he texted me he was hungover. We were supposed to hang out. I brought pizza and kombucha (my hangover cure) over to his place and we watched Black Books and Bojack on Netflix. We sat with his roommates. I met a guy from my old high school (many years my senior). I am in awe how we do these things, in awe of how comfortable I feel in these situations with him. 

He holds my hand when we walk together. We do things together. We watch movies, go to bars, go to Shakespeare in the Park. He asks me questions about my weeks, my life, my history. He introduces me to his friends. We spend time with his friends. He wants to see me and spend time with me. This is a real experience, a real exchange with a real nuanced person. With him, and with me. The more time we spend together, the more we become 3-dimensional figures in each other's lives. I heard once somewhere that someone is less likely to steal from your wallet if you have a picture of a baby in it. I think you're less likely to have your heart broken when someone first acknowledges that you have a real heart capable of being vulnerable. We hold hands. We kiss. When our bodies fold together and I'm cuddled against him, I wonder how I might never leave. I like him. 

This is different. This feels different. I am not ready to admit or really openly vocalize my excitement. My best friend and I are of the variety that believes when good things happen, the other shoe will drop. The faint optimist in me wants to believe otherwise. He is so good. This is different. This feels different. If we look and compare and contrast, there are differences. I think both minor and more substantial. If we look, we start to begin to picture things that may not be there. I think we are creatures desperate to see what we seek. But this feels different, I say again. 

This is another photo from the day he first kissed me. I want to see him again soon. 

PS. Thank you to my friend Amanda who asks me about this blog, and reads my content, and encourages me to write more. I miss you.

Dear September

Please be kind to me.

Tomorrow, I am heading back to school after two years away. I am terrified. I was excited and nervous for so long. I am now terrified. I'm worried I won't be able to keep up. There's so much going on, and I know I always work better, learn better under pressure but I am a nervous thing. A scared, frightened thing. I've never been good with being wound up too much. Always a little reckless, always a springboard.

I really want this to work out. I really need this to work out - more than I am willing to admit, even with writing this now. I need this to work out. I need the blanks in my life to fall into place. I think above everything else, this is the thing that leaves me most insecure, most anxious. I don't like having no sense of direction in my life. I've never been good with aimlessness. I've been aimless. If this year of schooling goes well, if I work hard, if I am lucky- by the end of it, I can have a job. A real job. A creative job full of new opportunities, new people, new environments. I don't want to feel so lost. This is not an exploratory lost; this is a black, shadowy lost. It is "I-cannot-see-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel" lost.

This month will be juggling. It will be finding balance. It will be finding where my new calm is, where my safety in the midst of all this trouble will be. It will be the sweet spot between adventure and self-care.

I start a full-time program. It will be a little over twenty hours of lectures and labs, and however many hours spent working at home. I will likely start working at a new coffee shop where I will have to learn so many new things. I will still try to balance yoga into my days, weeks. It is something that both my body and mind need. I don't think it is something I can go long without anymore. There is something sacred about going to the classes, seeing the faces of my teachers, hearing their words. Their questions. I will try to schedule in a social life. I will try to date. I will try to make this go as well as I can.

I hope I make friends. I hope they're fun and we spend real time together. I hope we work well together. I hope that the program will not be so difficult that I cannot handle it. I hope I will enjoy my time. I hope that I will be happy, that I'll learn a lot. I hope I'll laugh a lot. Open my eyes a little more, have my world shifted into a new adventure that I'll be able to embrace. I hope I won't lose everything I've worked hard for up until this point. I hope I'll continue to work harder to let these new things fall into place too.

September, please be kind to me. Please let me be happy. Let me learn. Let me meet lots of people, make friends. Let things work out with this guy. I think I can really like him, or I do really like him. I think I need someone like this in my life. Stable, sweet, kind, patient. Please, please, please let things fall into place the way they need to be. Please let me learn balance, learn calm, learn a new sort of bravery to do all of this.

It all starts tomorrow. I hope I do well.

Talk to you later.

Tattoo II

At the end of June, I got another tattoo. This one, I'll dub my second and a half tattoo. It's a coverup for a stick-and-poke that didn't work out. It cost roughly $240, not including tip. It was done by Jennifer Lawes at Pearl Harbour Gift Shop.

What is it?
It's a sparrow, diving down. In flight. Note that it's a different bird from a swallow, which is prominent for tattoos.

What does it mean? 
The sparrow is a coverup for a stick-and-poke that featured a love-heart pierced by a sword with 'ME' written inside. So, in part, the sparrow means nothing. It just is.

A sparrow for flight, for freedom, for escape, for never being bound to the ground, or a single place, a single situation or scenario. A sparrow to remind me to leave. To keep moving, to keep chasing. For the last while, I have felt very stuck. Glued and pinned to the Earth. I haven't been satisfied or happy or alive. A sparrow as a reminder that some things aren't meant to be bound to the ground. A reminder that if the wings are pinned, it is much like dying. It is important and necessary to move, to chase, to seek adventure.

It is a sparrow more than any other bird because a sparrow is common. It is plain. It is small and soft. It is flighty and shy. To me, they endure. They push onward.

Did it hurt?
It hurt a lot. The area here is much more sensitive than my first tattoo. The parts that hurt a lot more were right next to my boob and closer towards my armpit. I think it hurt most as it got closer to my armpit. It was a lot. I hope that for my next tattoo, I will be kinder to myself and pick a less sensitive spot.

I should note that this time I got some shading done. I learned that shading is not as painful as linework. I thought the sensation of shading was much more bearable.

Other things of note that helped with this tattoo session opposed to my first tattoo session: I listened to music as recommended by my friend Henrieta. Music helped drown out the noise from the gun. It provided a much needed disaster, and it wasn't until I put music on that I realized how much I really, really hated the sounds of needle guns/drills/etc.

I brought a giant thing of Booster Juice with me. I learned after my first tattoo that my body is very sensitive to the changes in my blood sugar levels. I needed something constant to pan me through the entire session. I sipped my Booster Juice throughout the session and I found it very helpful. It kept my blood sugar levels more consistent before, during and after my session. It was also a nice sweet treat to distract me from the tattooing process. Because of this, I didn't need much else after the session. The tattoo still stung but it didn't leave me feeling sick. I just walked home after and rested.

How long did it take? 
If I recount correctly, the whole appointment took around two hours. I think it took about an hour and a half to almost two hours for the needle-to-skin tattooing part. I did stop her for a couple times for a few minutes as a small rest. It took about two, almost three months from when I went in for a consultation to my tattoo date.

Why'd you do it? 
I really liked the design of my stick-and-poke tattoo. I thought it was really lighthearted and fun. However, the tattoo artist might have gone too deep into my skin and the ink bled. My tattoo was left with a blue-black halo around the lines. Although it did fade a little and would've likely continued to fade, I didn't like it. I wanted to get it covered up, so I settled on an artist and a design and did just that.

I recently read a thing. I can't remember from where. It described getting tattoos like getting a nose job or a boob job or dying your hair or whatever. It was a way of having your physical body more in line with your mental picture of yourself. It was a way of having your outside be reflective of your inside. I really liked that. I want my physical body to reflect some of what I feel inside.

I also mentioned in my post about my first tattoo that for me, tattoos are very much about control. My physical body is so often out of my control. It acts and reacts in unpredictable ways. Over the years, it feels like I lose more and more of it. I want an aspect of it to reflect my will, to impose my control. I want my body to feel beautiful when it gives me anguish and sometimes, a sense of despair.

Are you getting more?
Yeah. Already trying to plan more.

Henrieta and I