It feels strange to be here. It feels strange to continue on. Mostly because of how simple it is to do just that. Wake up. Go to work. See friends. Feed yourself. Indulge in goodness and then some bad. Sometimes it feels like sadness overwhelms you, but mostly it is unbelievably easy to move on. The sadness, the ugliness of that part of life - we compartmentalize that away.
It hasn't been so long but it is already so easy to not see that part of my life, and then it becomes easier to forget that it existed at all. The part of a breakup that bothers and scares me so much is how much it resembles a death. It feels like dying. Only there is no burial or funeral process.
In a breakup as a funeral, it is a loss. Someone who became so important can become gone. It is strange, so strange how we stop talking. How is it that one day I will know all the mundane and intimate details about a person? But at another day, I cannot begin to say hello. The vain side of me hates that he can forget me so easily. The vain side of me hates that I can die, that I am dead in his world. A creased existence in his life.
I'm so bad at letting go. It makes so little sense to me when I have to. I don't want to.
In the past weeks, I have moved on. I see friends. I go to parties. I've gone on a date. I have done things that make me happy. Indulged in food, in wine, in sweat. In the positive attention and light of people who feel good. In many ways, it is surprisingly easy to move on. That part of a breakup is strange too. It is so easy for life to return to normalcy. For something that feels so devastating and dramatic in one moment, to leave no trace on any other aspect of life. Nothing else slows down or really changes. All the pieces that were there before continue to be there. All these other aspects; life unchanged. It is shocking how quickly and easily life can embrace someone and then how just as quickly and easily, it can spit someone out. No traces like they were never there to begin with. Like they will also never be there again.
In something I've seen recently, it said something like, our systems are designed to compartmentalize. To contain our bad moods, our sadness because otherwise, we would not be able to live. We have to be able to continue living. We cannot be so consumed by sadness that we do not move; cease to exist. Humans, in this way, are so resilient. Built to withstand the different destruction our world puts us through. Heartbreak cannot kill us. Not really. It's possible to forget. It is shockingly easy in fact. More inevitable than a possibility.
Soon, he is little more than a distant memory like the others have become. Visited only occasionally just like a burial site. It doesn't matter how well designed or how much money is put on a tombstone. Someday, a tombstone is just that. A tombstone, barely connected to memory. Barely visited.
I will become this to him. A tombstone in a graveyard part of his life. Little more than a distant memory no longer visited. I hate that I will be this to him. But we are the resiliency of the human spirit.
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Thursday, October 20, 2016
On the 22 Men Who Inspire Me
Nico writes a list of 29 women who have shaped his life. These are women who helped him grow, who gave him love, taught love. "An ode to the women that taught me how to love."
I think it would be easier to write a list of the women who inspire me, encourage me, support me. Who love me. But this is for the men in my life, and their energy that I must accept. For it is the men in my life who have always caused the biggest storms, inspired the most tremendous growth. Men who have broken me, but also taught me strength and resilience. This is for the men in my life who have taught me endurance in love, courage and recklessness in love. It is for the men who have stayed and who have left. For the ones who have broken me, and the ones who have helped me rebuild. It is for men who continuously force me to go beyond comfortable, who open my eyes and show me the world in a way I had not seen it before.
To my father, Steven, who tries in the ways he can to show love, to create and foster a family. To my father who never knew his father, who never grew up in a conventional family. Who grew up struggling and lost. Dad, we disagree on so many topics. There are issues I don't know how to solve because of you, but Dad, I know you tried. I know you tried so hard to show me love and a good home. In many ways, it was a good home. Thanks for a childhood where I got to see so much, where I got to laugh so much. Thanks for doing all that you knew to do.
To my grandpa, Edward, who I wish got to see me grow older because I know you would've been proud of me in the silent way that you always were. To my grandpa who I still imagine sitting on the end of the couch, watching TV, helping me colour in my colouring books. It was my grandpa who was the first inspiration for art, for the creative. It was my grandpa who I never knew how to say goodbye to.
To Phil, who still haunts me today. Phil, you were everything and you taught me so much. Sex, love, photography, pain, messy relationships, graffiti, being playful and taking risks. The ferocity and viciousness of love. You were the most beautiful summer. You taught me love, heartbreak and doubt in the way that only being in love can. You were the best love, but the most confusing and heartbreaking.
To Adam, one of my best friends. You are the kindest, the most understanding. I always tell you you're one of the best people I know. You are comfort, you are safety. You are home. I don't want to imagine my life without you in it. We've known each other for maybe six years now, and I'm so happy for this. You're everything I'm so glad to have in my life. Thank you for always being so understanding, so giving with me. You spoil me, and for that, I'm so so lucky.
To Jack, the boy who lived upstairs; my first crush. You were the one who first showed me the importance of laughter in the person you hope to be your partner. You showed me to look for a partner in mischief, in adventure.
To my cousin, Ken, who always, always comes through. Thanks for all the drives and being the best handyman/tech guy. Things get tough, but they're far less scary when I know you're there for backup. Also, you have the driest sense of humour. You're so rude sometimes, and I love and admire that.
To Stephen, who I lovingly call Bear. You are not the easiest person, and sometimes I have to really try. You are different and kind in the way you know how, the way you believe in the things you do. It is a lesson and a gift to see the world from another's perspective. It is a blessing to see the world in a way bigger than your own. You've taught me so much about myself, about being in pain, about being resilient. You became such an important piece of my life in such a precarious period of my life. I remember all the late nights talking. Please know that even when we don't talk as much as we used to, even as I grow, you're always part of who I am. A part of the things I aspire to be.
To Mr. Erickson. You've taught me so, so much about how to be kind. How to be understanding and accepting of difference. You taught me to be critical. How to push and create the change I want to see. You also introduced me to my favourite author, and for that I will always be grateful.
To Mr. Bauer, who made all the girls swoon. You are the epitome of a good teacher. You, who cared so much about the world and the people in it. You, who changed career paths so you could change the world in a more tacit way. You've taught me to be kind and considerate of the people and the environment around me. You've taught me to always see the best in people; the potential in the world. You taught me to always be hopeful for the future.
To Richard, who was the closest I've come to a real boyfriend. You were so good until you became so difficult. But it was good. Our strange and awkward dance helped me figure out what I want and what I need in a partner. It taught me to communicate and to compromise. It helped me realize the importance of being alone, and of finding myself before finding someone else. You were so tall and you always made me smile and sometimes, I still wish that we could've made it work.
To Feo, the sweet alumnus who reassured me that the future would always be hopeful. We met right before the end of my final year. You were a friend of my Gael's, which only made your advice all the more reassuring. You were so many sweet things that I wished I had more often. A good influence who I wished I got to spend more time with.
To Timmy, who I met in middle school and somehow followed through university. We've become such different people, and we haven't spoken in maybe a year. But we've always stopped and picked up where we last left off. You're very dependable in that way. You've always been dependable. I think we'll always be there to help each other out. You're just that kind of person.
To Russ, the boy I lost my virginity to. You allowed me the opportunity not to lose myself in another person. You gave me the freedom to constantly choose, rather than to let one person define me. Also, I can't believe you waited a whole Guy Ritchie movie to make a move. I fell asleep during that movie. I had already seen it before.
To Alejandro, who spoke such lovely words and inspired me to speak lovely words in return. You were a beautiful tortured soul, more tortured than my young 19-year old self could handle. You were loving and possessive. I was in love and flighty. I never ached for someone the same way I ached for you. It was a short lived and distant romance, but the creativity and passion you inspired in me, I'll never lose the words for.
To Matt, the only boy I felt truly sorry about. I'm sorry for the way I treated you. It wasn't fair. It was cruel and reckless. You met me at such a difficult time in my life. I was heartbroken and so, so lost. I didn't know how to deal with it and you were caught in the crossfire. This isn't an excuse, but a poor explanation. I hope you're happy now with someone who deserves your affection.
And finally to Samuel, the most recent one. We had so much in common, and towards the end I thought I was fine being friends. I liked your passion for igniting change. I liked the way you spoke about it. So defiant against a system I had already lost faith in. You still believed in change, and I admired that part of you. But like you told me, we're not perfect people and we can't always treat people the way they should be treated. I'm learning to treat myself better. Be kinder to myself, be less harmful. One of the last things you said to me broke me down in tears. It brought back all the heartbreak that I thought I had moved past. I'm not ready or willing to be thrown into that again. Men have taught me strength, but I am trying to teach myself kindness.
To the men who have changed my life, I wish you only the best even if our end was only the worst. I hope that if the stars and moons align, we'll meet each other only in the best circumstances and with the kindest intentions. I hope I will meet the men of my present and future with the same strength and resilience I've been taught. I hope I meet myself with the kindness that I will surely need.
I think it would be easier to write a list of the women who inspire me, encourage me, support me. Who love me. But this is for the men in my life, and their energy that I must accept. For it is the men in my life who have always caused the biggest storms, inspired the most tremendous growth. Men who have broken me, but also taught me strength and resilience. This is for the men in my life who have taught me endurance in love, courage and recklessness in love. It is for the men who have stayed and who have left. For the ones who have broken me, and the ones who have helped me rebuild. It is for men who continuously force me to go beyond comfortable, who open my eyes and show me the world in a way I had not seen it before.
To my father, Steven, who tries in the ways he can to show love, to create and foster a family. To my father who never knew his father, who never grew up in a conventional family. Who grew up struggling and lost. Dad, we disagree on so many topics. There are issues I don't know how to solve because of you, but Dad, I know you tried. I know you tried so hard to show me love and a good home. In many ways, it was a good home. Thanks for a childhood where I got to see so much, where I got to laugh so much. Thanks for doing all that you knew to do.
To my grandpa, Edward, who I wish got to see me grow older because I know you would've been proud of me in the silent way that you always were. To my grandpa who I still imagine sitting on the end of the couch, watching TV, helping me colour in my colouring books. It was my grandpa who was the first inspiration for art, for the creative. It was my grandpa who I never knew how to say goodbye to.
To Phil, who still haunts me today. Phil, you were everything and you taught me so much. Sex, love, photography, pain, messy relationships, graffiti, being playful and taking risks. The ferocity and viciousness of love. You were the most beautiful summer. You taught me love, heartbreak and doubt in the way that only being in love can. You were the best love, but the most confusing and heartbreaking.
To Adam, one of my best friends. You are the kindest, the most understanding. I always tell you you're one of the best people I know. You are comfort, you are safety. You are home. I don't want to imagine my life without you in it. We've known each other for maybe six years now, and I'm so happy for this. You're everything I'm so glad to have in my life. Thank you for always being so understanding, so giving with me. You spoil me, and for that, I'm so so lucky.
To Jack, the boy who lived upstairs; my first crush. You were the one who first showed me the importance of laughter in the person you hope to be your partner. You showed me to look for a partner in mischief, in adventure.
To my cousin, Ken, who always, always comes through. Thanks for all the drives and being the best handyman/tech guy. Things get tough, but they're far less scary when I know you're there for backup. Also, you have the driest sense of humour. You're so rude sometimes, and I love and admire that.
To Dalton, one of my first and best friends in university. And whom I had the biggest crush on. I think maybe you were the one that got away. Everyone thought we were going to date. You kissed me on the cheek once, but that was all. You were still the one that showed me so much music, so many movies. So much counterculture. You were always so different, and the world seemed too small for you. I will always hope that you're doing well.
To Jonathan, my first kiss. I was 16, sitting in your living room. We were watching I Am Legend when you kissed me. I told you that it was my first kiss, and you turned my head over again and asked for my second. You were everything I wasn't at the tender age of sixteen. You were mysterious and a bad boy, all the things I'm drawn to today.
To Stephen, who I lovingly call Bear. You are not the easiest person, and sometimes I have to really try. You are different and kind in the way you know how, the way you believe in the things you do. It is a lesson and a gift to see the world from another's perspective. It is a blessing to see the world in a way bigger than your own. You've taught me so much about myself, about being in pain, about being resilient. You became such an important piece of my life in such a precarious period of my life. I remember all the late nights talking. Please know that even when we don't talk as much as we used to, even as I grow, you're always part of who I am. A part of the things I aspire to be.
To Mr. Erickson. You've taught me so, so much about how to be kind. How to be understanding and accepting of difference. You taught me to be critical. How to push and create the change I want to see. You also introduced me to my favourite author, and for that I will always be grateful.
To Mr. Bauer, who made all the girls swoon. You are the epitome of a good teacher. You, who cared so much about the world and the people in it. You, who changed career paths so you could change the world in a more tacit way. You've taught me to be kind and considerate of the people and the environment around me. You've taught me to always see the best in people; the potential in the world. You taught me to always be hopeful for the future.
To Raj, who I've known for so many years now without having to think much about this fact. You've always encouraged my sexuality, made me more curious to explore and embrace my sexuality. You met a frightful, young, innocent girl, and seen her become the unapologetic sexual being she is today. And still, you compliment me on my smile.
To Alex and Griffin, the Boys who made my undergraduate career what it was. We met what feels like a lifetime ago. When we met, we were all so young and naive in the way that we saw the world, the way we handled the world. I remember all the times in first year we spent getting drunk, and then the times in the following years. You guys take such good care of me. You're always there as an ear to listen. Always there to finish off the food at all-you-can-eat sushi. I don't know where I'd be, or how I would've made it out of Queen's without you two. I have so much love for the two of you.
To Robert, who is a hard person to explain in my life. You taught me a kind of comfort in my body. You taught me to demand what I want, and to say stop when things become more than I can handle. You are a return to animalism.
To Richard, who was the closest I've come to a real boyfriend. You were so good until you became so difficult. But it was good. Our strange and awkward dance helped me figure out what I want and what I need in a partner. It taught me to communicate and to compromise. It helped me realize the importance of being alone, and of finding myself before finding someone else. You were so tall and you always made me smile and sometimes, I still wish that we could've made it work.
To Feo, the sweet alumnus who reassured me that the future would always be hopeful. We met right before the end of my final year. You were a friend of my Gael's, which only made your advice all the more reassuring. You were so many sweet things that I wished I had more often. A good influence who I wished I got to spend more time with.
To Timmy, who I met in middle school and somehow followed through university. We've become such different people, and we haven't spoken in maybe a year. But we've always stopped and picked up where we last left off. You're very dependable in that way. You've always been dependable. I think we'll always be there to help each other out. You're just that kind of person.
To Russ, the boy I lost my virginity to. You allowed me the opportunity not to lose myself in another person. You gave me the freedom to constantly choose, rather than to let one person define me. Also, I can't believe you waited a whole Guy Ritchie movie to make a move. I fell asleep during that movie. I had already seen it before.
To Alejandro, who spoke such lovely words and inspired me to speak lovely words in return. You were a beautiful tortured soul, more tortured than my young 19-year old self could handle. You were loving and possessive. I was in love and flighty. I never ached for someone the same way I ached for you. It was a short lived and distant romance, but the creativity and passion you inspired in me, I'll never lose the words for.
To Matt, the only boy I felt truly sorry about. I'm sorry for the way I treated you. It wasn't fair. It was cruel and reckless. You met me at such a difficult time in my life. I was heartbroken and so, so lost. I didn't know how to deal with it and you were caught in the crossfire. This isn't an excuse, but a poor explanation. I hope you're happy now with someone who deserves your affection.
And finally to Samuel, the most recent one. We had so much in common, and towards the end I thought I was fine being friends. I liked your passion for igniting change. I liked the way you spoke about it. So defiant against a system I had already lost faith in. You still believed in change, and I admired that part of you. But like you told me, we're not perfect people and we can't always treat people the way they should be treated. I'm learning to treat myself better. Be kinder to myself, be less harmful. One of the last things you said to me broke me down in tears. It brought back all the heartbreak that I thought I had moved past. I'm not ready or willing to be thrown into that again. Men have taught me strength, but I am trying to teach myself kindness.
To the men who have changed my life, I wish you only the best even if our end was only the worst. I hope that if the stars and moons align, we'll meet each other only in the best circumstances and with the kindest intentions. I hope I will meet the men of my present and future with the same strength and resilience I've been taught. I hope I meet myself with the kindness that I will surely need.
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Philip Da Silva
Because more than a year later, you've left me with so many deeply seeded insecurities, I don't know how to be myself anymore. It's been more than a year since it ended, since our final words to each other, but I still can't forget you. The way it hurt, the way it strung, it still hurts. It still rings so loudly and so clearly in every relationship I have today. I'm scared.
We don't talk anymore so you'll never know how much you hurt me. You'll never know how you destroyed me, how you managed to cement my insecurities. How even though those text messages are gone, the tone still sinks into my memory, into my current reality.
It doesn't, you don't hurt me the same way anymore, but it still does. I'm still not OK. The way you hurt me, it is still echoed in every relationship I have, in every missing trust, in every frightened jolt and defence. I'm defensive, always ready to bolt, to arm myself against something else. I don't know how to enjoy myself without waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm scared. I feel like an animal waiting to be caught to be slaughtered.
I don't know how to forget you. I don't know how to stop letting you haunt me today. You destroyed me. I drifted for so long, I was so lost after you. I was hurt. I didn't know what I was doing, and for much of it, I didn't care. I just wanted to forget you. Any way I could convince myself, even for a second, that you were forgotten, that was good. I wanted another one of you. You, who once brought me so much peace and then brought me so much chaos and struggle. You haunt me. I look for you and I see you everywhere. Every time I seem to have forgotten you, you come back to me in another way. Tonight, I have an issue with a guy and you are what clutches at my heart, you are what punches me in the gut, leaves me for dead. You are why I am crying again. You are why I feel hurt, in pain, abandoned. You've been gone for so long, but the way you haunt me, it's like you never left. Your hurt still rings loudly, clearly, deeply.
You destroyed me, but you'll never know that.
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