It feels strange to be here. It feels strange to continue on. Mostly because of how simple it is to do just that. Wake up. Go to work. See friends. Feed yourself. Indulge in goodness and then some bad. Sometimes it feels like sadness overwhelms you, but mostly it is unbelievably easy to move on. The sadness, the ugliness of that part of life - we compartmentalize that away.
It hasn't been so long but it is already so easy to not see that part of my life, and then it becomes easier to forget that it existed at all. The part of a breakup that bothers and scares me so much is how much it resembles a death. It feels like dying. Only there is no burial or funeral process.
In a breakup as a funeral, it is a loss. Someone who became so important can become gone. It is strange, so strange how we stop talking. How is it that one day I will know all the mundane and intimate details about a person? But at another day, I cannot begin to say hello. The vain side of me hates that he can forget me so easily. The vain side of me hates that I can die, that I am dead in his world. A creased existence in his life.
I'm so bad at letting go. It makes so little sense to me when I have to. I don't want to.
In the past weeks, I have moved on. I see friends. I go to parties. I've gone on a date. I have done things that make me happy. Indulged in food, in wine, in sweat. In the positive attention and light of people who feel good. In many ways, it is surprisingly easy to move on. That part of a breakup is strange too. It is so easy for life to return to normalcy. For something that feels so devastating and dramatic in one moment, to leave no trace on any other aspect of life. Nothing else slows down or really changes. All the pieces that were there before continue to be there. All these other aspects; life unchanged. It is shocking how quickly and easily life can embrace someone and then how just as quickly and easily, it can spit someone out. No traces like they were never there to begin with. Like they will also never be there again.
In something I've seen recently, it said something like, our systems are designed to compartmentalize. To contain our bad moods, our sadness because otherwise, we would not be able to live. We have to be able to continue living. We cannot be so consumed by sadness that we do not move; cease to exist. Humans, in this way, are so resilient. Built to withstand the different destruction our world puts us through. Heartbreak cannot kill us. Not really. It's possible to forget. It is shockingly easy in fact. More inevitable than a possibility.
Soon, he is little more than a distant memory like the others have become. Visited only occasionally just like a burial site. It doesn't matter how well designed or how much money is put on a tombstone. Someday, a tombstone is just that. A tombstone, barely connected to memory. Barely visited.
I will become this to him. A tombstone in a graveyard part of his life. Little more than a distant memory no longer visited. I hate that I will be this to him. But we are the resiliency of the human spirit.
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