Los Angeles

Do you ever see something so beautiful that it makes you want to cry? Tears well up in your eyes and your whole body trembles a little bit? That is the ocean. That is the blue sky. That is the exhibit where the whole room vibrates with sound and movement and energy.

I don't love Los Angeles. I will never fall in love with Los Angeles. It is too much for me. Nothing connects to me. It is either too devastating, too scary and jarring or too fake. But my, it is so beautiful. I have never seen the blue in the sky bluer. I have never seen the sky vaster or more endless. Almost as if depth had changed in this part of the world. I don't know how depth can change like that, but it feels so immense to be there in the sun, in the blue. In the warmth. It shakes me. It shocks me. LA always feels like a dream to me. Moreso than any other place on Earth. I can't believe what exists. I am in awe. I am humbled. I am mystified. A place like no other.

It is the end of January and it is warm. We drive along in a convertible with the top down. Wind rushing through our hair. We eat fresh seafood beside the ocean. I dip my feet into the sand. I am walking without a jacket on the Venice Boardwalk. I have coffee outside. I take my time. There is an ease that only sunshine can bring. There is a look of ease that only exists after being lovingly embraced by sunshine.

Thank you, Los Angeles.

Film from 2018

December Moments

For a year where I struggled a lot, the month of December was really great. Some moments were bittersweet, but I really enjoyed the whole of it. It was my birthday month. My friends really came through, and I felt so loved. I felt so special. Other friends were back in town and I got to spend some time with them, catching up and laughing in general. My contract ended, which while sad, also felt like a new beginning of sorts. It was a month of lots of good food. Terroni, Chantecler, Oretta, St. Lawrence Market. I felt spoiled with all the good food I got to eat. Sprinkle in a couple cool events, a new tattoo, some reflective yoga classes. Finally, my best friend and I rounded off the year with our end-of-the-year tradition and lots of laughing.

All in all, I really enjoyed December. I hope you did too.

Pictured above: Chloe, Isabella, Jennifer, Ellen, Terrence, Evasha, Ben and myself.

Dying Business

Halloween 2018

We stayed up till 3 and I dressed up as Spinelli.

Pictured above: Bennett, Kyle, Alice, Mel, Christian, and myself.

Saying goodbye

Dated August 8th

I'm seeing Will tomorrow - nearly a year since we dated and broke up. I'm not really sure what to expect. I'm not really sure what I want. I don't know what my ideal is. I don't know if I have an ideal situation in this case. He's leaving. There's a high likelihood that I may never see him again. I'm sure he'll be back in Toronto but things as they stand now, I'll never be part of his life again. That thought haunts me even close to a year since we broke up. It's hard not being able to share any part of my life or his life. Even in conversation. It feels cold and mean.

I'll acknowledge how weird it is that I reached out and asked to see him. It'll acknowledge that I'm surprised he agreed to see me at all. But I'm glad. I'll tell him my fear. How I am uncomfortable with the parallels between a breakup and death. It is never not weird to me. Someone I spoke to every day, one day disappears from my life. We don't acknowledge the other person's existence, and that is something I'm not OK with. I'll ask why he agreed to see me. Why he bothered to give me an hour at all.

I want to tell Will that I miss him. I don't know and I don't think I miss dating him. I think a year has changed those feelings. I don't feel the same way as I did. I don't feel pangs of hurt or even anger anymore. I miss him though. I miss talking to him. I miss sharing parts of my life with him and hearing about his. I miss hanging out with him. I want to tell him that maybe it's a strange request but I want to be friends. I wish we can get to a place where one day if he's in town or for whatever reason, I'm in his town, we can grab a drink and trade life updates. I want us to be happy for each other. I want us to be friends because I think he's a really good person. Maybe the nicest guy I've dated. I would really like for us to be friends and that's why I asked to see him. He's a good person, and it would suck to completely lose him from my life without trying at all to salvage our relationship.

From another month earlier: 
I hate losing parts of my life like in a breakup. It feels cruel. It feels confusing how someone is in your life and then they are not. It feels unnatural to me. I don't want to lose you, Will. For the first few months, I just missed having someone to talk to. I missed talking to you. I missed hanging out with you. I didn't just miss dating you. I missed you. I missed having you in my life. You were good even if/ even though you haven't figured everything out yet. I haven't either.

I want to tell him what's happened in my life in the year that we've been apart. I want to tell him it's really been a struggle with work and school. Everything was constant and I felt constantly overwhelmed. I didn't know how to exist. I wasn't really, truth be told. I was hanging by a thread for a lot of it. But I made it. I made new friends. I learned more about myself. It was one of the first real challenges I put myself through. It challenged my sense of self. After so long (nearly a year), I finally made it. I start my internship next Monday.

I want to ask him about his life. How has his life been in the past year? How happy or sad or conflicted was he about leaving his job? How excited is he about starting his new life? I want to wish him well. I want to tell him that I hope he's able to change the world for the better. The world needs it, and I think the guy that I met and dated really wants to help the world too. I want to wish him the best life, the best grades, the best experience. I want him to tell me all about it the next time I see him, and there will be a next time because we will stay friends.

I hope tomorrow goes well. I hope I'm able to tell him all of these things. I hope I don't cry or feel panicked. I hope I still feel safe with him. I hope when we leave, we can give each other a big hug and well wishes. I hope we stay friends. I hope tomorrow is not the last time I ever see him. I really hope that reaching out to him won't prove to be a bad idea. I hope that we can be honest and vulnerable with each other. I hope that if I lay my heart out on the line, Will won't hate me for making him deal with this again. I hope tomorrow goes well. I hope we can stay friends. I'd really like that.

Old Film

Some shots from my birthday:

Pictured above: Caroline, Erline, Jennifer and myself.

PS. My trusty Konica Z-Up 60 has passed on. The perfect Bunz trade had a problem with the lens and after consulting a couple of shops, the conclusion was that it would be too expensive to repair for a fairly inexpensive camera. I recently picked up a new 35mm point-and-shoot, so more film moments of my friends and I are still to come.