Titled "Stolen Moments of Peace"

This is a photo from April 7, 2016. I'm not entirely sure if it has already been featured on this blog. I can tell you that the similarities between this photo two years ago and now are frighteningly similar. I still eat almond butter and banana on toast. I still have that MacBook Pro. I'm typing on it right now. I still use that NYX brush with another bottle of that NARS foundation. I still have that plastic tumbler from Starbucks and it's still what I use to drink water. I still use that coffee mug. We still have that plate.

It is alarming to me because I am frightened. I finished school last Friday. I'm looking for an internship right now. I've had two phone interviews and two in-person interviews. I walk away from every single one not knowing how I did. I tell the boy I am seeing that I do not think I make great first impressions. I'm not that charming. I think I am mostly shy and awkward around new people - but not in a cute Zooey Deschanel way. Just an awkward maybe-Aubrey Plaza way.

I'm worried that after a year of school, I am still not going to find a job. I am tired and so eager for a change of pace. I am ready for a change in my life. I want to try new things. I want new challenges. I have felt very stagnant the past three years since I finished my undergraduate degree. I'm concerned that I never feel confident after my interviews. I think I'm a hard worker and I become a very caring, sweet, considerate and friendly person. I'm worried that isn't capable of being shown in the little time interviews offer.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I am hoping for the best. I know I have people who believe in me. I know I have good work. It's just hard to convince myself not to be so scared. I emailed my professor after the interview a little freaked out. She replied, "Hang in there" and "If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be (for now)."

What will be, will be. 

(They are some differences. I no longer use that makeup bag. I don't use that Too Faced powder anymore. I killed that succulent. I don't know what happened to that plush. The snowglobe is put away somewhere. Same with the notepad. I have a different MetroPass.)

Convocation nearly three years ago, June 2015

April Favourites

Lululemon's April Fools prank - Everything I do now is a little ad related. It's a lot of where my focus is. It takes up a lot of time, and it's not time condensed to a few hours but all over the place. So, I was excited about the branded April Fools stuff. I love Lululemon as a brand so I may be biased about this. Lululemon's April Fools prank was an AI device similar to Google Home (and others) called Om. It spoke to the me who loves yoga and aspires to meditation and whole living.

(All the best 2018 pranks found here.)

The dark chocolate walnut cookie at Dark Horse - I have always said that I am not a fan of chocolate flavoured pastries or confections. I don't like chocolate cake. I don't like pain au chocolat (read: chocolate croissants). This cookie has changed my mind. It is the perfect amount of crunchy and oozing melty chocolate chunks. The dark chocolate stops it from becoming too sweet, but it still tastes rich. The walnuts are a nice touch. They are part of that crunch but doesn't add or distract from the overall flavour. This is not a dry cookie. It also looks so interesting. It looks almost like a scone at first glance. I really enjoyed it. (Yes, I know this is a lot to look into a cookie but that's just how much I enjoyed it.)

Hey Whipple, Squeeze This: The Classic Guide to Creating Great Ads by Luke Sullivan & Edward Boches - This is not my favourite book. I find parts of the book rather dull. Having said that, I think this is an important and useful book to read for my advertising career.

Dark House Cafe at Spadina - Dare I say that this is my new go-to coffee shop. I no longer go to Early Bird because of their focus on food over coffee now. Dark Horse on Spadina has been my go-to recently because of the big work tables and big open windows. The atmosphere is great. I think because of where it is and how space is laid out, it encourages more of a work environment than a social one. This has been part of my April routine.

Tattoo III

This was a big budget tattoo that I spent months saving towards. In total, it cost me $680. It was done by Ruby Wolfe of Occult Tattoo, but she was a guest spot at Holy Noir in Toronto. Her style and her person is beautiful. I'm very happy with how this turned out. I have yet to take better photos of it, but I would like to share the experience of tattoo 3 with you.

What is it? 
She calls them witches. It is a woman kneeling and presumably praying with a sword piercing through her chest. She is surrounded by peonies. Leaves are erupting from her wound. She sits at my right hip and upper thigh.

What does it mean?
It is a homage to my second tattoo, which was a love heart with ME written inside and a dagger piercing through. I really did like this tattoo and the simple idea behind it, but it blew out and I got it covered up.

This is a reflection of my own fight, my own bravery and courage. It's my fight with my own life and existence. It's the struggle for confidence, security and wisdom. She feels like how I can get and who I can become. A couple of people have joked to me about the darkness of the image. In a way, that's there too. She is the way that is sometimes hard to swallow. She is the way that I get hurt, but how I hope to come out of that pain. I think this is a deeply personal tattoo, and it becomes so personal that some of the meaning is lost/buried even to myself.

Did it hurt?
In comparison, this did not hurt really. There were certain spots that were more tender, but not unbearable. Close to the second hour, I did get very antsy. Parts of the tattoo also made my foot twitch, which is a little scary given that I am being permanently marked.

How long did it take?
About 2 hours.

Why'd you do it?
I admire Ruby Wolfe's work. I think there is something very eerie and special about it. It's also true what they say - tattoos are the itch I need to scratch.

Are you getting more?
Yes, but not until I find an artist and a concept I really connect with.

Where I Stand

On a good day, I am nervous. On a bad day, I am riddled with anxiety and blind dread. Sometimes it feels like there is an ice cream scoop going into my chest, going into my stomach to take everything out. I feel hollow. It is enough to take away every proud moment and replace them with true humility.

I am so nervous right now. I am so anxious.

This is where I stand a lot these days. I don't really feel safe. I feel like I am in the eye of the storm that will destroy me. I am afraid that at every corner I will be told I am a failure. I am afraid that I will be told I am wasting my time. I'm really afraid I'll continue to stay lost. On bad days, I am crippled by this anxiety and fear. There is something said in one of my old philosophy classes. I think it was a philosophy of religion class. It goes, you don't win big unless you believe entirely. You can't truly realize the benefits and beauty of faith until you believe in it wholeheartedly. This can apply to every facet of life. It is impossible to win until you believe. To overcome fear, to achieve success, I have to jump in body and mind.

There's a lot going on these days. I'm in the last week or so of my program. I am trying to show my portfolio book to people - to get feedback, to get hired. It is so frightening to show people what I've been working on. It is more frightening to test whether or not the creativity I always valued and always thought I had - whether or not it actually exists. Am I a fraud? I am in a race against time. At every turn, I want to collapse to the ground and cry. I want to dig a hole to stand in so I never have to move. I know that this means I will never succeed. In fact, I will guarantee my own failure. Inaction is not an option. Inaction is failing.

I started going on a couple dates with a boy. I am infinitely nervous when I am not with him. I know these are all problems within myself. I sometimes worry that my past relationships have left me with more bruises than I imagined. I am a nervous ball of constant energy.

It all finishes in about a week. I have an interview this week. I am told I have to speak to myself more kindly. I have to believe in myself a little bit more. I have to believe that my circumstances will be OK. I am good. I am kind. I am loved. I have to repeat this. There's just so much going on.