Where I Stand

On a good day, I am nervous. On a bad day, I am riddled with anxiety and blind dread. Sometimes it feels like there is an ice cream scoop going into my chest, going into my stomach to take everything out. I feel hollow. It is enough to take away every proud moment and replace them with true humility.

I am so nervous right now. I am so anxious.

This is where I stand a lot these days. I don't really feel safe. I feel like I am in the eye of the storm that will destroy me. I am afraid that at every corner I will be told I am a failure. I am afraid that I will be told I am wasting my time. I'm really afraid I'll continue to stay lost. On bad days, I am crippled by this anxiety and fear. There is something said in one of my old philosophy classes. I think it was a philosophy of religion class. It goes, you don't win big unless you believe entirely. You can't truly realize the benefits and beauty of faith until you believe in it wholeheartedly. This can apply to every facet of life. It is impossible to win until you believe. To overcome fear, to achieve success, I have to jump in body and mind.

There's a lot going on these days. I'm in the last week or so of my program. I am trying to show my portfolio book to people - to get feedback, to get hired. It is so frightening to show people what I've been working on. It is more frightening to test whether or not the creativity I always valued and always thought I had - whether or not it actually exists. Am I a fraud? I am in a race against time. At every turn, I want to collapse to the ground and cry. I want to dig a hole to stand in so I never have to move. I know that this means I will never succeed. In fact, I will guarantee my own failure. Inaction is not an option. Inaction is failing.

I started going on a couple dates with a boy. I am infinitely nervous when I am not with him. I know these are all problems within myself. I sometimes worry that my past relationships have left me with more bruises than I imagined. I am a nervous ball of constant energy.

It all finishes in about a week. I have an interview this week. I am told I have to speak to myself more kindly. I have to believe in myself a little bit more. I have to believe that my circumstances will be OK. I am good. I am kind. I am loved. I have to repeat this. There's just so much going on.