Jacob Banks Live in Concert

Hypnotic may be the first word that comes to mind. I knew I wanted to go to see Jacob Banks live because I was sure that such vocal prowess should be experienced live. He didn't disappoint. If anything, I was stunned at how beautiful, passionate and powerful his performance was. The entire music hall vibrated, echoed, roared with excitement and applause. I think it was the longest applause I have stood in. As if our applause might echo the power in his voice.

26 By 26

1. Spend less time on social media.
2. Start drawing and painting again.
3. Give back to the people you love and who love you.
4. Take a big trip. 
5. Go hiking more often.
6. Move toward an anti-inflammatory diet.
7. Pick up photography again.
8. Get off the dating apps.
9. Go to writers nights and poetry nights.
10. Save $15,000. 
11. Finish 20 books.
12. Go to art galleries more often.
13. Go to different creative events. Find inspiration.
14. Make meditation a routine. 4-5 times a week. 10 minutes.
15. Spend more time with Mom.
16. Go as waste-free as possible.
17. Spend more time in my body.
18. Turn to natural products. 
19. Keep some plants alive.
20. Learn to drive.
21. Learn to swim.
22. Drink more water.
23. Journal more often. 
24. Figure out your relationship with your lupus.
25. Volunteer for something that matters to you.
26. Try different kinds of exercise and movement. 

Homo Deus II

Since there is no script, and since humans fulfil no role in any great drama, terrible things might befall us and no power will come to save us, or give meaning to our suffering. There won't be a happy ending, or a bad ending, or any ending at all. Things just happen, one after the other. The modern world does not believe in purpose, only in cause. If modernity has a motto, it is 'shit happens'. 

on the other hand, if shit just happens, without any binding script or purpose, then humans too are not limited to any pre-determined role. We can do anything we want - provided we can find a way. We are constrained by nothing except our own ignorance. Plagues and droughts have no cosmic meaning - but we can eradicate them. Wars are not a necessary evil on the way to a better future - but we can make peace. No paradise awaits us after death - but we can create paradise here on earth,  and live in it for ever, if we just manage to overcome some technical difficulties. 

Homo Deus, pp. 200-201, Yuval Noah Harari.  

Homo Deus

We want to believe that our lives have some objective meaning, and that our sacrifices matter to something beyond the stories in our head. Yet in truth the lives o most people have meaning only within the network of stories they tell one another. 

Homo Deus, p. 145, Yuval Noah Harari. 

Los Angeles

Do you ever see something so beautiful that it makes you want to cry? Tears well up in your eyes and your whole body trembles a little bit? That is the ocean. That is the blue sky. That is the exhibit where the whole room vibrates with sound and movement and energy.

I don't love Los Angeles. I will never fall in love with Los Angeles. It is too much for me. Nothing connects to me. It is either too devastating, too scary and jarring or too fake. But my, it is so beautiful. I have never seen the blue in the sky bluer. I have never seen the sky vaster or more endless. Almost as if depth had changed in this part of the world. I don't know how depth can change like that, but it feels so immense to be there in the sun, in the blue. In the warmth. It shakes me. It shocks me. LA always feels like a dream to me. Moreso than any other place on Earth. I can't believe what exists. I am in awe. I am humbled. I am mystified. A place like no other.

It is the end of January and it is warm. We drive along in a convertible with the top down. Wind rushing through our hair. We eat fresh seafood beside the ocean. I dip my feet into the sand. I am walking without a jacket on the Venice Boardwalk. I have coffee outside. I take my time. There is an ease that only sunshine can bring. There is a look of ease that only exists after being lovingly embraced by sunshine.

Thank you, Los Angeles.

Learning to Love This Body

I am in a yin class when the teacher talks about how our habits and our ability come from our childhoods. She describes how easily her son gets into yin yoga poses, and how he will continue to do so the rest of his life. She describes how our bodies mimic the way our parents stood. I understand what she means. My body holds the same flexibility it did as a child. I can still wrap my leg behind my head, contort my body into different knots.

My body also holds onto the same fears and the same doubts.

My body is a battlefield. A war zone. It has been since I was 5 or 6, first diagnosed with lupus. It has been since I first noticed television and movies and magazines. It has been since I was first told what was fat and what was pretty. What was acceptable. What was appropriate for love and positive attention. It has been since I was told what I was allowed to do, and what I couldn't do. The way I was brought up, the way I was spoken to... It all dictates what I find right and wrong with my body. It dictates how I still hold fear and discomfort in my body. I don't know how to love this body. I don't know how to love my body.

I was always told I had to be very careful with my body. I couldn't be exposed to the sun. I shouldn't be outside too much. I shouldn't do a lot of things that I saw other kids do. I had to drink all these herbs, see all these doctors, try all these things that other kids never had to. Over time, it wasn't just that my bright red cheeks looked different from the other kids. It was that experience taught me I was not like the other kids. I was different. I was broken. My body became the point of differentiation. My body became my point of disappointment and betrayal. I was told and I learned that my broken body will always betray me. I don't know how to love my body. I was always told that a broken body cannot be loved. A broken body cannot be appreciated. A broken body simply cannot do. A broken body must be fixed. Hate my broken body.


Yoga is a love letter to my body. 

I am trying to learn how to love my body. I am really trying to learn how to trust my body. I don't think I realized that a big part of hating your body, is how we lose faith and trust in our bodies. I don't trust my body to do a lot of things. I don't trust that I will run without being short of breath. I don't trust that my body will not deteriorate with every passing year. I don't trust that my body will hold me in more complicated poses. I don't trust that my body will ever heal or feel better.

I started practicing yoga three and a half years ago. In the winter/spring of 2015. When I stepped into my first yoga class, I felt like I came home. All the years later, it still feels like coming home every time I step onto my mat. There is a lot to say about how yoga has been culturally appropriated. There is a lot to say about how yoga has lost as a spiritual practice; now only a physical exercise. There is a lot to say about yoga, but I am not the one to say anything. What I can say is that yoga is saving me. Through my practice, I am learning to be in this body. I am learning to play with and trust this body. I am learning how to feel safe in this body.

Yoga is a dialogue I am having with my body. It is the language I am learning in order to understand my body. To be able to engage in a conversation that makes sense, rather than further confuses, or talks over, or ends in an unresolvable argument. It is learning to breathe. It is learning to feel the expanding and hollowing effects of breath. It is learning to sit with myself. To be with myself, and only myself. It is so easy to be distracted but yoga makes you focus. Yoga gives me the opportunity to be with my body - whether it is painful or free. Yoga lets me dance with my body. We do not need to stay in perfect postures, balanced and unmoving. It is OK and welcomed to flow, to move and sway with gravity and uneasiness. I am allowed to be uncomfortable. I should stay with discomfort. Discomfort is not bad or evil; it is only discomfort.  Yoga has taught me that to be playful with my body. There are so many fun ways to move. I should allow my body to move. To flip upside down, to balance my whole body weight on my arms, to feel my body shake with strength. I should trust my body to hold me high. I should trust my body to recover when I fall. I should trust my body to be my home.

Three years and change of practice have brought strength and muscle into my body. My arms and thighs are more muscular. My back pain is manageable with regular practice. I continue to be very flexible. I can do breathwork. Meditating, although not a regular practice, is not torturous. But more than that, these years of practice have taught me how to deal with pain and uncomfortable moments. It has taught me how to breathe through the pain. It has taught me how to ground myself and how to seek help from all those around me. It has taught me how to better process fortune and loss. It is teaching me how to feel safe in my body.

I still have trouble with certain poses. I have trouble doing handstands, or wheel, or even doing chaturangas. I don't trust my body to hold me up when I am in these poses. I am convinced that my body will cave inward and I will fall. I am so close to the ground, but I am afraid I will fall. Yet I have been practicing for over three years. I am slowly but surely becoming stronger. I hold my body easier. I hold my strength longer. It is slowly but surely becoming easier to be in this body. I like seeing muscle build. I like seeing the definition. I like putting my body in poses where I genuinely fear, but I try anyway. I am trying to come home to my body.

Yoga is... Feeling safe in my body. It is coming home to my body. It is exploring and challenging my body. It is provoking fear and release in my body. It is movement. It is fulfilling. It is peaceful. It is dancing and having fun and playing. It is grounding, invigorating, provoking. It is so many things. It is one of my favourite places. My mat is one of my favourite places. It is something I never want out of my life. It is something I treasure. It is deep, deep practice and the most lighthearted fun. It is one of the best things I've ever come across. It continues to teach me something new almost every time I step onto my mat. It is my love letter. It is my open heart surgery. It is my anchor to the world.

I hate my body. I hate this body. I am learning to love my body. To love this body. This body is a place of war; a battlefield. It is land stripped and marked by all things horrendous. It is taunted and ridiculed and ashamed. It was never taught to love itself. I am trying to love my body. I am learning. I want to love my body. I want to love this body. Yoga is my love letter. I want to love my broken body. I want to appreciate this body. I want to love this body, doubts and fears and all. I want to hold and caress this body. I want to whisper promises and trail kisses. I want to come home to this body, and I want to make this body my home again. I really, really, really want to. I don't know if I've wanted something so much. I wamt my body back. I want my home back.

I hate this body. I don't want to.

January Favourites

Vitruvi's Pacific essential oil blend - Sunshine has been so rare during this Canadian winter. It's been mostly cold but the worst part is how little sunshine we get. A couple months, Toronto broke records for the fewest hours of sunshine in decades. Vitruvi's Pacific oil blend takes you away from all of this. It smells like the beach and feels like warm sunshine on the skin. Like salt water and sand between your toes. Until our city comes alive again, I'll be diffusing this.

Bullet Journal - I have expressed so much love for bullet journalling and my bullet journalling process. You can find my love for bullet journalling here, here, here and here. I've preached it to so many of my friends. (Actually, I saw a good friend over the holidays and she laughed saying that I had given her my bullet journal spiel last year.) I like how simple the essence of bullet journalling is. I like that I get to design it to my liking and needs. I like that I don't waste space or pages because I get to decide how every page is used. I like that it is a contained space for all of my lists, ideas, notes, doodles, etc. Every year with the start of a new bullet journal, I rediscover my love and appreciation. This year is no exception.

Tombow Dual Brush Pastel Market Set - So with getting back into my bullet journal craze, I watched a lot of bullet journalling videos on Youtube. I noticed a lot of people using Tombow markers. I have a few illustration markers that I use to help with colour coding certain key pages (monthly logs mostly), but my markers bled through the page. Tombow markers do not! I've been using them a bit obsessively. I love how adding a bit of colour to the page can help highlight key information.

Yoga - My relationship with my practice has been rocky. It's not where it used to be, and I miss that. I resent that it isn't where it used to be. I used to have more time. I used to be more committed. This past month, I've been really trying to get back into it, especially with all the extra time I have right now. (Unemployment is good for some things, I guess.) I enjoy using and moving my body. I enjoy the process of forgetting everything for an hour. I like being able to unplug.

Los Angeles - At the end of the month, I went to Los Angeles. It's been five years since I visited. I wanted to get away from the dreariness of Toronto. I wanted sunshine. I desperately needed a vacation. It was what I needed.

January always feels like one of those months where everything is up in the air. Where I'm not quite sure of what's happening around me. I know rationally that a new year symbolizes very little. It can often be a false sense of new beginnings or new starts. Nothing has changed, and nothing will change without continued effort. This is why a lot of New Years Resolution practitioners bother me. Change can start at any point of the year. It doesn't begin with January first. And yet, with the new year, the pressure and desire to reevaluate my life choices are prevalent and loud. I am trying to come back to blank, to zero, to fresh earth. I've been trying to find practices and habits that ground me. Some days have been more successful than others. The process is slow but hopefully steady.  

MANIFESTO 2019

If I'm given the opportunity to change my life, what will I change? How will things finally be different so I will happy and stop feeling such terrible dread?

So many books talk about living with a different kind of mindset. To think positively, to live positively. Everything we've ever wanted is a thought away. Everything I've ever wanted, I just have to believe in. It's going to happen as long as I believe. The most powerful and terrifying thing to realize is that I have the power and ability to get, to reach everything I've ever wanted. I just have to believe. I have to have the courage to chase after it. I can't let fear consume my life. Fear can't live my life for me. I can't make fear-based decisions. When has something life-changing started with a belief in failure? Who would chase success if they believed that they were destined to fail? Success doesn't happen that way.

It's all in. Let this be the year of putting all the cards on the table. Let this be the year where it is all or nothing. Be dramatic. Be raw. Be honest. Hold no prisoners. Stop living as if your dreams won't be accomplished. Stop living as if the greatest parts of you will never be discovered. Don't live believing that what you have is all you deserve; the best you can hope for. Don't live never asking for more. What kind of life is it to accept complacency? What kind of life is it to accept anything less than extraordinary? That's not you. That's not your life. Life has never been ordinary. It will never be ordinary, but it can be extraordinary.

In the grand scheme of life - in my now 25 years, in my lifetime, in the years that humankind have walked this earth, the years existence has breathed this air, in the years of the universe... In all of this, why can't I take a year to be intentional with my efforts and my time? Don't I deserve to treat my being and my time with a bit of respect? Shouldn't I take the time to learn this for myself? It will be good to take the time, make the effort.

If I make a promise to myself, can it be worth something? Can I make it so that my time and presence is worth something?

I want to make this year different. I want to make myself different. I want to force it to be different. I will make thing different. It's going to happen. I refuse for it to be otherwise. If I could take everything I didn't enjoy about this previous year and force it out of my life, how much better would things have been? How much happier, how much less stressful? If I pack all the anxiety and doubts about where I am and where I am going, and push them away, how much lighter will I feel? How much freer will I be? How much more good could I fit into my life if only I got rid of this negativity? What if I could get rid of the voices that doubted my competency?

Are we our own greatest enemies? We are certainly our own biggest and meanest critics. I'm not sure there's someone else in the world who could say all the same mean things about myself as me. Who will spend all that time on someone else with little to no benefit to themselves? I don't think anyone will. It does so little. Yet here I am with all these mean things ready. What if I treated myself as if I loved myself? What if I did all the loving things even if I didn't love myself? How differently will things be? How much could things improve? Wouldn't I just like to see what it could look like? Why not? There's nothing I could lose if I spoke to myself kindly, lovingly.

I think - I'm sure I read somewhere that we're actually really afraid of letting ourselves be happy. If we've grown accustomed to our narrative of being sad and unfortunate, we really struggle to let it go and choose to be happy instead. For so long, our identity was one of dissatisfaction, and even dissatisfaction carries with it, comfort, if you've stayed there for a while. I've grown so accustomed to my narrative. My narrative that is sick, sad, unlucky, lonely, not good enough, ugly. Even though these thoughts are unkind and it doesn't feel good to think this way, it is easier than to question, to challenge, to make some noise and stop apologizing for my existence. I don't want that anymore.

I want to change my life to one where I celebrate my life and existence. I want a life where I celebrate myself above all else.

Tattoo IV

At the end of December, I got another tattoo. Or does it count as two tattoos? I'm not sure. Let's move on.

What is it?
They're two sparrows in flight. Although they are smaller than the sparrow on my side, they are all by the same artist. I went back to Jennifer Lawes because I wanted some continuity. I wanted to bring the different pieces on my torso together. Jen now tattoos out of her own private studio in Port Perry.

What does it mean?
There is no grand, deep meaning. With each tattoo, there is less and less meaning. They are mostly, if not entirely, for aesthetic reasons. I wanted to bring my different pieces together. I wanted to create a sense of flow. My reason for choosing sparrows are the same as before. I like the idea of flight. I like the idea of chasing. I like the plainness of sparrows - a bird that cannot be called remarkably beautiful, yet still sweet and delicate and living.

Tattoos, in general, do have a deeper meaning for me.

Tattoos are transformation. Each tattoo brings me closer to this body finally becoming a home. So my outer form can more closely align with how I feel, who I am; the more soulful parts of me. It is drawing those deeper parts of me forward. It is making this body my own instead of the prison that it has always felt like. It does not have to be my cage. Through these transformations, it can become a sanctuary. It can become my own. I command it to become something more than the passive trap. I build a better home with my tattoos. They are my grounding. They are my release. They are coming home. Finding power, finding peace, coming home.

Did it hurt?
In comparison to the last couple of pieces, this was not painful at all. I was pleasantly surprised that going over my spine did not hurt very much at all. The only part that was more uncomfortable and unbearable was the bird inching towards my armpit. That felt more sensitive. It bruised. Still very tolerable.

How long did it take?
It was roughly 45 minutes for the ink-to-skin process. It was about half an hour of her drawing and deciding the arrangement. The bus ride to Port Perry took much longer than the tattoo. (Roughly two and a half hours to get there.) It took about two to three months after confirming to get a date with her.

Why'd you do it?
For continuity.

Are you getting more?
Yes. This isn't a question anymore.

RE: Bullet Journal II

Last year, I showed a snippet of my bullet journal that was the Book Club. I want to do that again.

Book Club 2018 includes the following information: name of the book, author, date completed reading, notes on the book.

1. The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck/ Mark Manson/ 2-2-18/ An international bestseller with over one million sold, the cover advertises. The book is kind of remarkable, but it is also shockingly simple. It is another bit of Buddhist philosophy rewritten and resold. I enjoyed it though. I loved it. I think the lessons are worthwhile to ponder. I think they're lessons I need to apply to my own life. They are questions I need to ask myself honestly. I'm still coming to terms with what I read. I know this is a book I will need to reread. 
2. You Are A Badass/ Jen Sincero/ 5-17-18/ This has been on my list for a while. I think at one point I had borrowed it from the library, but I knew I had to get a copy for myself and I'm so glad that I did. Like the only other book I've finished this year, it has some heavy stuff. It's a lot to digest and I'll need to read it again. It's beautiful though. Written to be conversational, it's a big wake up call. I think the biggest takeaway is to wholeheartedly believe that everything I want in life is not only possible but already exists. I may not know how to get there yet, but it exists and I will end up there. I just have to believe and love the Universe and myself enough to allow myself to get there. That's powerful. 
3. Hey Whipple, Squeeze This/ Luke Sullivan & Edward Boches/ 5-19-18/ Parts of this are so dry and parts of it are really funny. It's supplemental reading but it's really helpful. It highlights the handful of top ads that are funny and really make you think. It goes through all of the different formats. It's the kind of book that will sit on the bookshelf for constant inspiration. 
4. The Goldfinch/ Donna Tartt/ 5-28-18/ What else is there to say but to borrow a word from the end of the book - sublime? Spencer recommended it. It's a coming-of-age story but so much more than that. It's a lot to sink in. 
5. Ogilvy on Advertising/ David Ogilvy/ 7-16-18/ A crucial book that everyone in advertising has read and now I have too. The book covers every aspect of advertising. I'm sure it's something I will revisit many, many times. I think the stress is on research, good work that sells and a passion for it. He's a passionate man who loves advertising, loves his work. It really shows, even in the way he writes. It's like hearing one of the greats speak to you over coffee or whiskey in the most intimate way. 
6. After Dark/ Haruki Murakami/ 7-18-18/ I've read this before. It's the first Murakami I've ever read back in high school. The mood strikes me because I've been feeling this way a lot. Not wanting to sleep. Not being able to sleep. Wanting to wander through the night. Really a fear of what I have to encounter and deal with. I haven't been dealing with it well. It was still a good read. I see why I've read so many more since. Murakami is a feeling. 
7. Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind/ Yuval Noah Harari/ 9-25-18/ It's taken almost two months to finish this book, but it is truly something special. It forces a different way of understanding our existence as humans and our impact on the world. It forces the question of why; the why behind the how, the why of the past, present and future. It is a brilliant thing to read. 
8. Norwegian Wood/ Haruki Murakami/ 11-11-18/ The ending brought tears to my eyes. It was wonderful.
9. The Great Gatsby/ F. Scott Fitzgerald/ 12-19-18/ I haven't finished the short stories but I finished Gatsby. I didn't realize such glamour could be so sad. It's beautifully written, even if I do miss some of the intricacies of his writing.
10. The Strange Library/ Haruki Murakami/ 12-19-18/ I didn't know this book existed, but I found it by chance at the library. It's a short story with interesting illustrations. Something that feels mysterious and haunted.
11. Hard-Boiled Wonderland & The End of the World/ Haruki Murakami/ 12-30-18/ My last book of the year - very different from the Murakami I've experienced. More mystical. Still very hollow and empty. Still digesting. 

Film from 2018

Be Innovative

The last bit of an interview from an old copy of Lürzer Int'l Archive (Vol. 1-2011):

Interviewer: Why are you innovative?
Gideon Amichay: Probably because it can make my life better. I enjoy my day more this way. Just think that, every day, you can invent something. Not only to create, but actually invent. After 20 years in the business, it is so great! It is so easy to create things we already know, things we have done in the past. That's nothing. In fact, when I ask people "to bring to the table the ideas they think we cannot do," it takes the entire agency to a better place. We cross borders and make our way into uncharted territory. 

A month or two ago, I went to this talk at the Toronto chapter of Miami Ad School. It was something like advice from thriving creatives. A few months ago that, I went to another talk where the speaker said something like creativity can change the world.

I think - I truly believe that creativity can save the world. It may even be the only thing that can save the world in the state it is today.

It is incredible and inspiring and breathtaking the things we can do with creativity, with a creative and explorative mind. To be innovative. To think of things that haven't been done yet. To challenge the notion of 'what if'. For this, I most admire children and the way they think; the way they imagine and dream. Anything is possible. In fact, the wilder the better.  Wouldn't that be remarkable?

Be innovative. Stop thinking about what can't happen, and just imagine - even for a second. What did I want to happen as a child? What did you want to happen as a child? How do I bring that into the world? How do I keep dreaming and wondering? How do I live that expansive imagination again?

December Moments

For a year where I struggled a lot, the month of December was really great. Some moments were bittersweet, but I really enjoyed the whole of it. It was my birthday month. My friends really came through, and I felt so loved. I felt so special. Other friends were back in town and I got to spend some time with them, catching up and laughing in general. My contract ended, which while sad, also felt like a new beginning of sorts. It was a month of lots of good food. Terroni, Chantecler, Oretta, St. Lawrence Market. I felt spoiled with all the good food I got to eat. Sprinkle in a couple cool events, a new tattoo, some reflective yoga classes. Finally, my best friend and I rounded off the year with our end-of-the-year tradition and lots of laughing.

All in all, I really enjoyed December. I hope you did too.

Pictured above: Chloe, Isabella, Jennifer, Ellen, Terrence, Evasha, Ben and myself.