What's New?

1. My pseudo-relationship ended last Wednesday. It was an hour and a half of crying, silent begging and deep sadness. We both cried. I texted him after having one too many at an open bar event. He didn't respond. 
2. Ontario colleges are on strike. As I'm writing this, we're heading into the third week and I'm more than frustrated. 
3. I saw King Krule this past weekend by myself. I often forget how good it feels to be at concerts. It is one of the few places I think that we can still feel salvation. 
4. Work at the new location is good. It gets a little tedious, but it's good. The people are nice. The pace is easier. It's more relaxed. 
5. Winter is settling in. 

My friend, Henrieta's tips to deal

1. Men need to show the fuck up.
2. The ideas of 'crazy' and 'just in my head' are bullshit.
3. Listen to your body and to your emotions.
4. You deserve to spend your valuable time with people who do not exacerbate your anxiety (fuck that shit).
5. You're not unreasonable. You are a rational and compromising person.
6. Beyond thinking if you're good enough for others, think about whether or not they're good enough for you. 
7. You will stop apologizing for being a full human, a full dynamic human. That means there are good and bad parts, including the parts you're trying to build. 
8. For anyone to only expect your good parts and fuck off when shit gets real, can fuck off. 
9. You are loved. You deserve love. 
10. EXPECT MORE. 

Letter 'E'

1. Ellen at 'Ease'
2. Eden at 'Early Bird'

PROUST Q&A

FROM VANITY FAIR: The Proust Questionnaire has its origins in a parlour game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust, the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature. 

I first saw the Proust Questionnaire in MK and Ashley's Olsen one book, Influence. They answered the questionnaire themselves as well as giving it to the interviewees in their book. Somewhere under my bed in an old shoe box, I have old Proust Questionnaires that I've filled out over the years. I think it's interesting to see how our responses change over time. What influences us over the years? How has experience, society, fear, love change us? The Questionnaire featured in Influence included different questions but these are similar.

From October 2017, here are the questions and my answers. I encourage you to think about these questions, answer them. See how they change. My answers now certainly aren't the same as my answers at age 16.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Between adventure (seeing new things) and staying in bed with a special man.

What is your greatest fear?
Being abandoned.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I'm an awfully shy person.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Lack of kindness.

Which living person do you most admire?
My mother - for all her forgiveness, strengths and failures.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Clothing.

What is your current state of mind?
Between restlessness and tired

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Beauty

On what occasion do you lie?
When I feel that the truth cannot satisfy.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My skin.

Which living person do you most despise?
At this point, my last manager - without much vengeance but for the sake of the question.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Kindness, patience, thoughtfulness.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Strength, courage, recklessness.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
My own indecisiveness

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
San Francisco and art

When and where were you happiest?
I am happiest when I travel, but I am pretty happy now. It feels like all the pieces of my life are falling into place.

Which talent would you most like to have?
Patience

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I wouldn't be sick.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Surviving the most disastrous year of my life in 2012

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?
A cat or some part of a forest.

Where would you most like to live?
San Francisco, Vancouver, right here in Toronto

What is your most treasured possession?
All my journals, some of my books

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Feeling as if you're not quite good enough/ feeling immense blinding physical pain

What is your favourite occupation?
Lover

What is your most marked characteristic?
Cheeks and snark

What do you most value in your friends?
Kindness

Who are your favourite writers?
Murakami

Who is your hero of fiction?
The damaged.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I'm not sure.

Who are your heroes in real life?
My mom and my best friend

What are your favourite names?
Those named after cities and places

What is that you most dislike?
Entitlement

What is your greatest regret?
Doing too much and not doing enough; all the ways my heart is broken, all the ways I didn't like it open

How would you like to die?
Without stuff left to do

What is your motto?
The rose is without why.

Be curious, not judgemental.

Who's that girl?

I recently got some film developed. When I was emailed the scans, they accidentally emailed the scans for someone else's film too. I don't know who these people are. Presumably, from Toronto, young, a lot of fun. Although this is probably some kind of violation, here are my favourites from someone else's roll of film. They look like fun people. There's a lot of pictures with this girl. It would be interesting to meet her.

Favourite Flicks

Pictured above: Tara, Will and myself.

September Favourites

Two Dope Queens - I now spend a lot of time on public transit getting to and from school. It is roughly about an hour each way.

My yoga practice - As my schedule crams up with so much to do between school and work, I am falling back into my yoga practice. I am finding solace and comfort in my practice. It is so good to have an hour where I am not thinking of anything else. No other commitments, nowhere else to be but these four walls and only the bodies in this room. Only my body and its movement at present. For once, nothing else exists in the world. This is an addictive feeling - to feel actually present instead of stretched between here and there, now and three weeks from now, now and a year from now. We spend too much time existing where we do not. It is refreshing and so necessary to for once be where I am.

Uncle Tetsu cheese tarts - I am trying not to indulge in these too much but it is hard. They are sweet but with a saltiness to them. Creamy and rich. It is something that engulfs your whole mouth, your whole palette. A single tart will be enough for one sitting. I usually slice it in half to split between two as to not overindulge. It is hard not to constantly go back for more. I prefer the original.

September has been a month of trying to land on my feet. After being away from any kind of school environment for two years, I've been trying really hard to hit the ground running. I'm trying really hard to stay on top of all my work. Some days are more successful than others. Some days, I run to my friend Ellen and Will nearly crying. Or sometimes, crying. It hasn't been easy finding that balance but I am trying. I think it has been OK so far. September is for starting anew. 

Will and I at Niagara Falls