Family and Culture

Sometimes I think about my parents and all the things they had to encounter in their lives, and they are only around 50 and 60. I think of my grandmother and all the things she had to encounter in life. My grandmother was so young during the Sino-Japanese War. She doesn’t tell the stories, but I can only imagine the horror and fear she experienced. My parents and grandmother all immigrated from China to Canada. All three had to build their entire lives again in a foreign country with a foreign language and a foreign culture. My parents and grandmother still speak in broken English and they don’t fully understand the culture or customs here. They never will, but they have made it so far in their lives, both physically and figuratively.

Once I was walking down the street and talking to someone, this 30-something Caucasian Canadian male told me that he didn't understand how immigrants could live in a foreign country for decades and pick up so little of the language. I cannot remember what I told him that day. He may be right though. I suppose it is strange to move to a foreign country, be immersed in a different language and culture, yet remain so isolated from it. The short answer is that my parents and grandmother were working and they didn't have time to sit in a classroom and learn the language and the customs.

Talking to different children of immigrants and listening to different stories from popular figures, everyone's story is different. This point is very loudly expressed in Eddie Huang's memoir, Fresh Off the Boat. We all have different experiences of the reconciliation of American/Canadian and Asian cultures. It shapes us, the children, in so many different ways. There are a lot of positive stories but also, a lot of negative stories and assumptions.

Sometimes I don't know how to talk to my parents. My mother tells me I've changed and she doesn't understand the things I do anymore. I am now an awkward mix of my Chinese background, Western education, mixed upbringing and the fast pace, large information of the Internet. Some days, I find it hard to find a sense of community anywhere. But other days, like today, I think about how far we have come as a world to allow all of this to happen. As I grow older, I see the world become more interconnected. Trade is no longer just economical. There is so much to the world and its people.  Today, I think about how proud I am of my parents and grandmother who left their lives behind to start this new one. I think about how grateful I am that they did, to try to allow something more for future generations like me.

We are small, but we are powerful and the world is beautiful.

Included in the above are old photos of my parents and grandmother when they were young, old family photos, and recent pictures of my friends and I. 

An ongoing floral series

March 2015

A reflection

A few days ago, I share a beautiful sunset.

One of the things that has always fascinated me about life, is how quickly it can all change. We all make plans - plans for lunch tomorrow, plans to see a movie next week, whether or not to have kids or get married in the next five years. We make plans, but we don't know how quickly and easily things can change in a week. I think most of my big moments and important people have been found and discovered unexpectedly.

I think I saw it in a movie or read it in a book. The question was: have you ever met anyone and instantly thought that this person will change your life forever? I asked a couple of friends, some said they have, some said they haven't. I don't think I have met anyone and instantly thought this, but I have met people who have changed my life forever. I meet them unexpectedly.

I don't know if I have met anyone lately who will change my life indefinitely. I don't know if I ever know. Recently, I met someone who makes me happy, giddy. Four years ago, I met some girls who will come to see me grow, help me grow, inevitably be a part of the rest of my life - whether we remain part of each other's lives or not. During our time together, we laughed, we cried, we got angry and annoyed. Last summer, I met someone who helped me experience my world a little differently. We meet new people all the time. I always wonder who will change our lives a little bit, which moments will become imprinted in my heart long after the moment is gone.

Two months after I officially graduated and nearly four months after I finished my formal schooling, I am slowly finding my ground again. I feel a little less lost. I am meeting new people, finding new experiences in which I settle myself into. This summer, which comes to a close soon, has been strange and slow and I have been drifting. Yet they say that those who wander, are not all lost.

A few days ago, I share a sunset. We had not made plans before. It was just a casual mention over text messages that we were both free that evening. We are still walking when the circle sun disappears into the earth, but we sit and watch the fiery trail it leaves behind. It is not the most exciting sunset I've seen, but it is beautiful. I don't think the moments that define us always have to be loud. I think the moments that define us are often quiet, with a small wave or acknowledgement. Maybe this sunset was like this. Maybe not.

Human life is short, and it changes so quickly. Let's go watch the next sunset together.

In Memory Of

I'm talking to my old roommate and I want to cry. I say to her, "It's weird thinking back to the last day on campus and knowing that I'll always go back to Queen's, but it won't be home anymore."

Back in April, I distinctly remember standing in front of Stauffer Library at Union and University, looking across the street to the John Deutsch University Centre. I thought to myself that I will never be back in that spot.

Kingston, Ontario, Canada is only a three hour drive from Toronto, Ontario, Canada, where I live now. Queen's University has a long homecoming tradition and a strong community. I will always go visit Queen's and Kingston. I will visit next year to see my friends who are still studying at Queen's, I will return later still to see Queen's again. It's not the last time. The visits will just be less frequent than every day, going to my classes or the library.

Queen's University and the time I spent there from ages 17 to 21 will always, always hold a special place in my heart and soul.

In March, I am sitting in my bedroom with a Queen's alumnus. He graduated two years ago. We met at a wine-and-cheese alumni event in Ottawa. I tell him that I'm terrified to be leaving Queen's - excited, but terrified. I tell him I will miss my friends and the moments we shared together. He told me that things will be OK, he said that sometimes visiting Queen's is even better than being there. I told him I loved my friends, I loved living with them and being able to pop into their houses at any time. Still, sitting in my bedroom now in Toronto, I hope the alumnus is right. Life will be OK, and Queen's will always be a pleasant visit in the future.

If not for Queen's, I don't know what kind of person I would be. I believe in nurture over nature, that we are a product of our environments.

I chose Queen's University and moved to Kingston, Ontario, Canada because at 17, I desperately wanted to run away. I didn't feel happy anymore. I wanted Queen's University to become a home I built by myself, for myself. And it did. I arrived at Queen's knowing four people - a guy friend from middle school and three other kids from my high school. I left Queen's having made some of my best friends and knowing some of the best people. I left Queen's having discovered more of myself, and more importantly, having found family.

A month before the typical return to Queen's, I miss it. I miss my friends, I miss the campus, I miss the professors. I miss Stauffer Library. I miss walking by the gym I never went to. I miss getting Booster Juice and Quiznos. I miss QP and weekend wings nights. Oh, and the sangria. There are so many details. I loved my time there. I can't believe I'm a Queen's alumnae.

Hanlan's Point

Pictured in the above are: Jane and myself. 

SOS

I think I am caught in last summer. SOS, send help.

Today, I am standing in a local Toronto shop called Soop Soop with a guy I just met. It is a beautiful store- bright, white, simple, minimalist, humorous almost in its decoration, light-hearted in its feel. He is a nice guy- easy and interesting to talk to. Engaging, with a pink North Korea hat. I just met him, and I listen to his conversation with the store clerk/ owner. I am flipping through a C-Heads Magazine. Issue #33, entitled Summer. Lovers and Strangers. 

The magazine is beautiful. It is dedicated to summer, to the lovers and strangers we meet during the warm, sunshine months. I realize I am not photographing, hardly documenting.

Last summer, I met a man, I was reintroduced to California, I sat in backyards and drank too much beer. I was learning what it was to live, to love, to be part of an adventure.

Photographs are a great way of remembering, linking yourself to the past but also bringing people and experiences to your future. I need to return to this form of documentation. 

Pictured in the above are: Amanda, Hilary, Aleen, Jennifer, Andrew, Phil, Shivam, Devonte, Taylor, Adam and myself. 

Study of Perspective - Distillery District

Study of Perspective - Distillery District, July 2015, Toronto. 

Ai Weiwei is a Chinese artist that I deeply, deeply admire and respect. A few years ago, I saw his exhibit According to What? at the Art Gallery of Ontario in Toronto. He has a series of photographs called Study of Perspective.

This photograph was inspired by Ai Weiwei.