MANIFESTO 2019

If I'm given the opportunity to change my life, what will I change? How will things finally be different so I will happy and stop feeling such terrible dread?

So many books talk about living with a different kind of mindset. To think positively, to live positively. Everything we've ever wanted is a thought away. Everything I've ever wanted, I just have to believe in. It's going to happen as long as I believe. The most powerful and terrifying thing to realize is that I have the power and ability to get, to reach everything I've ever wanted. I just have to believe. I have to have the courage to chase after it. I can't let fear consume my life. Fear can't live my life for me. I can't make fear-based decisions. When has something life-changing started with a belief in failure? Who would chase success if they believed that they were destined to fail? Success doesn't happen that way.

It's all in. Let this be the year of putting all the cards on the table. Let this be the year where it is all or nothing. Be dramatic. Be raw. Be honest. Hold no prisoners. Stop living as if your dreams won't be accomplished. Stop living as if the greatest parts of you will never be discovered. Don't live believing that what you have is all you deserve; the best you can hope for. Don't live never asking for more. What kind of life is it to accept complacency? What kind of life is it to accept anything less than extraordinary? That's not you. That's not your life. Life has never been ordinary. It will never be ordinary, but it can be extraordinary.

In the grand scheme of life - in my now 25 years, in my lifetime, in the years that humankind have walked this earth, the years existence has breathed this air, in the years of the universe... In all of this, why can't I take a year to be intentional with my efforts and my time? Don't I deserve to treat my being and my time with a bit of respect? Shouldn't I take the time to learn this for myself? It will be good to take the time, make the effort.

If I make a promise to myself, can it be worth something? Can I make it so that my time and presence is worth something?

I want to make this year different. I want to make myself different. I want to force it to be different. I will make thing different. It's going to happen. I refuse for it to be otherwise. If I could take everything I didn't enjoy about this previous year and force it out of my life, how much better would things have been? How much happier, how much less stressful? If I pack all the anxiety and doubts about where I am and where I am going, and push them away, how much lighter will I feel? How much freer will I be? How much more good could I fit into my life if only I got rid of this negativity? What if I could get rid of the voices that doubted my competency?

Are we our own greatest enemies? We are certainly our own biggest and meanest critics. I'm not sure there's someone else in the world who could say all the same mean things about myself as me. Who will spend all that time on someone else with little to no benefit to themselves? I don't think anyone will. It does so little. Yet here I am with all these mean things ready. What if I treated myself as if I loved myself? What if I did all the loving things even if I didn't love myself? How differently will things be? How much could things improve? Wouldn't I just like to see what it could look like? Why not? There's nothing I could lose if I spoke to myself kindly, lovingly.

I think - I'm sure I read somewhere that we're actually really afraid of letting ourselves be happy. If we've grown accustomed to our narrative of being sad and unfortunate, we really struggle to let it go and choose to be happy instead. For so long, our identity was one of dissatisfaction, and even dissatisfaction carries with it, comfort, if you've stayed there for a while. I've grown so accustomed to my narrative. My narrative that is sick, sad, unlucky, lonely, not good enough, ugly. Even though these thoughts are unkind and it doesn't feel good to think this way, it is easier than to question, to challenge, to make some noise and stop apologizing for my existence. I don't want that anymore.

I want to change my life to one where I celebrate my life and existence. I want a life where I celebrate myself above all else.

Tattoo IV

At the end of December, I got another tattoo. Or does it count as two tattoos? I'm not sure. Let's move on.

What is it?
They're two sparrows in flight. Although they are smaller than the sparrow on my side, they are all by the same artist. I went back to Jennifer Lawes because I wanted some continuity. I wanted to bring the different pieces on my torso together. Jen now tattoos out of her own private studio in Port Perry.

What does it mean?
There is no grand, deep meaning. With each tattoo, there is less and less meaning. They are mostly, if not entirely, for aesthetic reasons. I wanted to bring my different pieces together. I wanted to create a sense of flow. My reason for choosing sparrows are the same as before. I like the idea of flight. I like the idea of chasing. I like the plainness of sparrows - a bird that cannot be called remarkably beautiful, yet still sweet and delicate and living.

Tattoos, in general, do have a deeper meaning for me.

Tattoos are transformation. Each tattoo brings me closer to this body finally becoming a home. So my outer form can more closely align with how I feel, who I am; the more soulful parts of me. It is drawing those deeper parts of me forward. It is making this body my own instead of the prison that it has always felt like. It does not have to be my cage. Through these transformations, it can become a sanctuary. It can become my own. I command it to become something more than the passive trap. I build a better home with my tattoos. They are my grounding. They are my release. They are coming home. Finding power, finding peace, coming home.

Did it hurt?
In comparison to the last couple of pieces, this was not painful at all. I was pleasantly surprised that going over my spine did not hurt very much at all. The only part that was more uncomfortable and unbearable was the bird inching towards my armpit. That felt more sensitive. It bruised. Still very tolerable.

How long did it take?
It was roughly 45 minutes for the ink-to-skin process. It was about half an hour of her drawing and deciding the arrangement. The bus ride to Port Perry took much longer than the tattoo. (Roughly two and a half hours to get there.) It took about two to three months after confirming to get a date with her.

Why'd you do it?
For continuity.

Are you getting more?
Yes. This isn't a question anymore.

RE: Bullet Journal II

Last year, I showed a snippet of my bullet journal that was the Book Club. I want to do that again.

Book Club 2018 includes the following information: name of the book, author, date completed reading, notes on the book.

1. The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck/ Mark Manson/ 2-2-18/ An international bestseller with over one million sold, the cover advertises. The book is kind of remarkable, but it is also shockingly simple. It is another bit of Buddhist philosophy rewritten and resold. I enjoyed it though. I loved it. I think the lessons are worthwhile to ponder. I think they're lessons I need to apply to my own life. They are questions I need to ask myself honestly. I'm still coming to terms with what I read. I know this is a book I will need to reread. 
2. You Are A Badass/ Jen Sincero/ 5-17-18/ This has been on my list for a while. I think at one point I had borrowed it from the library, but I knew I had to get a copy for myself and I'm so glad that I did. Like the only other book I've finished this year, it has some heavy stuff. It's a lot to digest and I'll need to read it again. It's beautiful though. Written to be conversational, it's a big wake up call. I think the biggest takeaway is to wholeheartedly believe that everything I want in life is not only possible but already exists. I may not know how to get there yet, but it exists and I will end up there. I just have to believe and love the Universe and myself enough to allow myself to get there. That's powerful. 
3. Hey Whipple, Squeeze This/ Luke Sullivan & Edward Boches/ 5-19-18/ Parts of this are so dry and parts of it are really funny. It's supplemental reading but it's really helpful. It highlights the handful of top ads that are funny and really make you think. It goes through all of the different formats. It's the kind of book that will sit on the bookshelf for constant inspiration. 
4. The Goldfinch/ Donna Tartt/ 5-28-18/ What else is there to say but to borrow a word from the end of the book - sublime? Spencer recommended it. It's a coming-of-age story but so much more than that. It's a lot to sink in. 
5. Ogilvy on Advertising/ David Ogilvy/ 7-16-18/ A crucial book that everyone in advertising has read and now I have too. The book covers every aspect of advertising. I'm sure it's something I will revisit many, many times. I think the stress is on research, good work that sells and a passion for it. He's a passionate man who loves advertising, loves his work. It really shows, even in the way he writes. It's like hearing one of the greats speak to you over coffee or whiskey in the most intimate way. 
6. After Dark/ Haruki Murakami/ 7-18-18/ I've read this before. It's the first Murakami I've ever read back in high school. The mood strikes me because I've been feeling this way a lot. Not wanting to sleep. Not being able to sleep. Wanting to wander through the night. Really a fear of what I have to encounter and deal with. I haven't been dealing with it well. It was still a good read. I see why I've read so many more since. Murakami is a feeling. 
7. Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind/ Yuval Noah Harari/ 9-25-18/ It's taken almost two months to finish this book, but it is truly something special. It forces a different way of understanding our existence as humans and our impact on the world. It forces the question of why; the why behind the how, the why of the past, present and future. It is a brilliant thing to read. 
8. Norwegian Wood/ Haruki Murakami/ 11-11-18/ The ending brought tears to my eyes. It was wonderful.
9. The Great Gatsby/ F. Scott Fitzgerald/ 12-19-18/ I haven't finished the short stories but I finished Gatsby. I didn't realize such glamour could be so sad. It's beautifully written, even if I do miss some of the intricacies of his writing.
10. The Strange Library/ Haruki Murakami/ 12-19-18/ I didn't know this book existed, but I found it by chance at the library. It's a short story with interesting illustrations. Something that feels mysterious and haunted.
11. Hard-Boiled Wonderland & The End of the World/ Haruki Murakami/ 12-30-18/ My last book of the year - very different from the Murakami I've experienced. More mystical. Still very hollow and empty. Still digesting. 

Film from 2018

Be Innovative

The last bit of an interview from an old copy of Lürzer Int'l Archive (Vol. 1-2011):

Interviewer: Why are you innovative?
Gideon Amichay: Probably because it can make my life better. I enjoy my day more this way. Just think that, every day, you can invent something. Not only to create, but actually invent. After 20 years in the business, it is so great! It is so easy to create things we already know, things we have done in the past. That's nothing. In fact, when I ask people "to bring to the table the ideas they think we cannot do," it takes the entire agency to a better place. We cross borders and make our way into uncharted territory. 

A month or two ago, I went to this talk at the Toronto chapter of Miami Ad School. It was something like advice from thriving creatives. A few months ago that, I went to another talk where the speaker said something like creativity can change the world.

I think - I truly believe that creativity can save the world. It may even be the only thing that can save the world in the state it is today.

It is incredible and inspiring and breathtaking the things we can do with creativity, with a creative and explorative mind. To be innovative. To think of things that haven't been done yet. To challenge the notion of 'what if'. For this, I most admire children and the way they think; the way they imagine and dream. Anything is possible. In fact, the wilder the better.  Wouldn't that be remarkable?

Be innovative. Stop thinking about what can't happen, and just imagine - even for a second. What did I want to happen as a child? What did you want to happen as a child? How do I bring that into the world? How do I keep dreaming and wondering? How do I live that expansive imagination again?

December Moments

For a year where I struggled a lot, the month of December was really great. Some moments were bittersweet, but I really enjoyed the whole of it. It was my birthday month. My friends really came through, and I felt so loved. I felt so special. Other friends were back in town and I got to spend some time with them, catching up and laughing in general. My contract ended, which while sad, also felt like a new beginning of sorts. It was a month of lots of good food. Terroni, Chantecler, Oretta, St. Lawrence Market. I felt spoiled with all the good food I got to eat. Sprinkle in a couple cool events, a new tattoo, some reflective yoga classes. Finally, my best friend and I rounded off the year with our end-of-the-year tradition and lots of laughing.

All in all, I really enjoyed December. I hope you did too.

Pictured above: Chloe, Isabella, Jennifer, Ellen, Terrence, Evasha, Ben and myself.