Winter Stations 2018

This one was Rising Up by the University of Guelph.

First Date Experience: Spencer

Reviving an old series on this blog, I wanted to talk more about my dating life. This series has gotten lost but it was an exercise I always found interesting. So, here we are again. 

Time: 21:27 the next day

Situation: Tinder date with a Queen's alum that I didn't want to leave

Feeling: really good, smitten

What happened?: We don't talk much before we decide to meet. By that, I mean we don't talk at all. I tell him at some point during the date that this is strange for me. I almost never say yes in these situations. I tell him I think he's vetted because we both went to Queen's, and with everything, Queen's will always hold a special place in my heart.

We are originally supposed to meet at 3pm. He changes it and we meet at 6pm instead. I am hesitant to meet. I almost decided to not go. Say I am not feeling well, and bail. I had work at 6 in the morning. I am tired. I could be doing something else more productive. There are always so many excuses when you put your mind to it. I go, we meet. I think we hit it off.

The coffee shop he suggested is closed, so we walk and I bring him to a coffee shop I go to regularly. He gets an Americano, I get a chai latte. It's 6pm and I tell him I cannot have coffee so late in the day. We spend about an hour at Dark Horse. The coffee shop closes, he asks if I want to go for a drink. We walk over to the Friar, we get drinks here for a few hours. We drink slowly and steadily, but not a lot. After a few hours here, I ask if he wants to get some food. We decide on pho. It turns out neither of us is hungry; we just didn't want to stop talking. We didn't want to say goodbye. Or at least, I didn't want to say goodbye. He kisses me good night and I ask for his phone number.

I haven't had a date go so well in a while. I was so interested in all he had to say. He made me smile and laugh. I made him smile and laugh. It felt so easy. We were never short of something to talk about. His love and knowledge of Friends match my own. He knew every reference I made - including the gestures. I am smitten. I feel like I have met someone on the same wavelength as me. I told him one of my favourite films is Oldboy and he joked that he was in love with me. Everything I said didn't feel calculated. It was every jumbled and long-winded thought, and it was all accepted. He listened to everything I say. I do not have a moment where I do not feel validated or important. This is new for me.

I think we talk about a lot. We talk about all the things we're not really supposed to talk about, but everything is OK. We talk about our experience at Queen's. We talk about our parents and what they do. We talk about his ambitions, my interests. We talk about his job, movies, TV shows. We talk about politics and religion. We make so many jokes. We get to know each other. All of it is good. All of it is so good. It is a night of conversation that leaves me feeling full.

We have another date tomorrow night. We're going to watch the Shape of Water in the evening. I'm really excited. I want to see how this will go. I hope it goes well. I had so much fun with him, and it was all just talking. I felt so much like myself. I felt like a better version of myself. I felt so light and happy. He made me smile. Thinking of it, makes me smile. I am the smitten kitten.

YOU ARE A BADASS

I have been reading a lot of books that fall under the self-help umbrella. Is this ageing? Is this all part of my quarter-life crisis?

I'm currently working on You are a Badass: How to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life by Jen Sincero. It is a New York Times bestseller with over one million copies, the cover page tells me. I am in between loving it and hating it. I hate her writing style but I cannot doubt her attitude. Not yet, at least.

Some quotes I have on my mind:

1. The Big Snooze operates according to your limiting false beliefs. This is the garbage that was stuffed into your subconscious as a kid that doesn't ring true for you, as well as the decisions you've made about yourself that are less-than flattering or empowering. It gets validation from outside sources (I'm doing this to win your love, your opinion of me is more important than my opinion of me), it's reactive (My circumstances control my life, I am a victim), fear-based, and extremely committed to keeping you safely confined within the reality you've created based on these limiting false beliefs (otherwise known as your comfort zone). The Big Snooze lives in the past and in the future and believes you are separate from everything around you (p. 42).
2. Self-perception is a zoo.
   
   We spend our lives drifting between glimpses of our own, infinite glory and the fear that not only are we totally incapable/unworthy/lazy/horrible, but that it's only a matter of time before someone blows the whistle on us. We torture ourselves incessantly, and for what purpose? If we can glimpse the glory (and I know you can), why do we waste our precious time giving any energy to the other options? Wouldn't life be so much more fun, productive, and sexy if we fully embraced our magnificently delightful selves?
   
   Takes the same amount of energy. The same amount of focus. So why do we choose all the drama? (p. 49). 
3. You are perfect. To think anything less is as pointless as a river thinking that it's got too many curves or that it moves too slowly or that its rapids are too rapid. Says who? You're on a journey with no defined beginning, middle or end. There are no wrong twists and turns. There is just being. And your job is to be as you as you can be. This is why you're here. To shy away from who you truly are would leave the world you-less. You are the only you there is and ever will be. I repeat, you are the only you there is and ever will be. Do not deny the world its one and only chance to bask in your brilliance.
   
   We are all perfect in our own, magnificent, fucked-up ways. Laugh at yourself. Love yourself and others. Rejoice in the cosmic ridiculousness (p. 50). 

A Lesson in Honesty II

This post was brought to my attention. I had completely forgotten about it. When I went back through this blog, I realized I had forgotten a lot of these things, these people.

This is me. The photo on the left - I just finished crying and probably cried again after I took the photo. Will called it quits. We sat in the park for over an hour. I knew it was coming when I saw him that day. I cried a lot. He cried. I didn't really understand what was happening or why it was happening. He was the first person to see me cry in so long. I'm still not clear on some parts of it. I am still moving on.

The photo on the right is a day in September. I think I was happy. I know I was stressed. I know things will be OK. I am struggling towards OK.

At this moment in time, things are so busy. They feel consuming. It is so close to the end, but it feels like we are so far from done. I hope things will be OK. Things always work themselves out.

February Favourites

Google Home Mini - I have her in coral and I adore her. It is mostly the ease of convenience with Google Home (Mini). I can set an alarm, play music, hear about my day, set a timer, add to my grocery list, and put on music to help me sleep. All with a simple spoken sentence. I'm still waiting for Google Home and smart home devices like this to gain more features, but not bad so far. Also when I got her, it honestly and truly felt like Christmas morning as a child again. I was so happy. I spent all night and the next day setting her up and asking stupid questions. (Hey Google, do you love me?)

Pental Sign markers - I've had these for a while. They were recommended by a teacher in the beginning of the year for our linear drawings. They're very smooth markers and they don't bleed through the pages much. I've been using these more often for idea-generation lately. I love the big bold text that is easy to read, and easy to write with. I'm not sure how to explain it. I just think it helps encourage me.

Seeing Charlotte - Charlotte was one of my roommates at Queen's University. Seen here and here and likely somewhere else on the blog as well. Charlotte lives in Ottawa, which admittedly isn't far but I don't travel to Ottawa at all so I don't get to see her often. She was in town for a conference. I met her for dinner and we just hung out in her hotel room after. It was so necessary. Seeing her felt so safe and so good. I saw Charlotte in a week/period of time when I really wasn't doing well emotionally. I felt frustrated, angry, depressed. I was not happy with many aspects of my life. Mostly, I was overwhelmed. There was so much going on and I didn't know how to work through any of it. We chatted for hours. I realize that Charlotte, as well as my other roommates and our core group of friends at Queen's, were essential to my mental health. I still miss them a lot.

Lateral thinking assignment - An assignment is unlikely to end up on a favourites list, but here it is. Gord, our art directions professor, assigned this. The assignment is simple enough. Find some interesting (or uninteresting) stock images and find a way to sell a product. The assignment wasn't easy or hard. It was just a way of thinking outside the box. A good assignment in critical thinking for advertising. A brainteaser for advertising, if you will. Very worthwhile.

Tyler, the Creator & Vince Staples concert - This was amazing. I have so many words and then not enough. I haven't written about this concert anywhere. I just want to keep it all to myself. What needs to be said: I have been listening to Tyler, the Creator since I was introduced to him in first year university. This didn't disappoint. It was everything I could've asked for.

KeepCup Brew in 12oz - This was at the very end of the month but I love it already. I purchased a KeepCup! I was watching what's-in-my-bag video on YouTube. She said something that just clicked. She bought coffee at school every day and so she brings a KeepCup with her to reduce her waste. I buy coffee almost every day. When I'm at work, I leave the shop with a coffee every time. I will throw away a paper cup 4 to 6 times a week. Shit, that is so much more waste than necessary. Enter the KeepCup. I feel a lot better about my coffee consumption. I also discovered that the coffee station at school lets me use their hot water so I can have tea after I finished my coffee. Eureka!

No snacks! - For the month of February, I decided to undergo a 'No-Snacks!' challenge in order to: 1) better watch what I eat, and 2) limit my spending. I track my spending and a lot of it goes into small snack foods. This is a dollar into a vending machine or two dollars for a muffin. It adds up. Through this personal challenge, I managed to only spend a total of seven times on snack foods. Not too shabby. (To clarify, I did have snacks but they were snacks packed from home that are much more cost-efficient.)

Relevance II

I'm revisiting a lot of my older work. Collages, writing samples, journal entries, deep sad diary entries. I am proud. I am sad and angry at my own innocence and arrogance. I am enthralled with myself. I am shocked by the fragility and vulnerability that I approached things with. The way I approached life, relationships, my emotions, my ambitions, my inhibitions. It is a side of myself I don't think I see as much anymore. It's certainly a side of myself I try to limit the public from seeing. Gone are the days that I am so willing to bare open my chest, to flaunt the rawness of everything.

I'm not sure if I should be sad or happy or content or nothing about the way I am no longer her. I am not the same innocent, raw, vulnerable, unsuspecting girl I once was. Is this because I grew up? Do I still encounter things the same way I once did? Did I stop feeling along the way?

A thought that occurs to me time and time again: if I met the people I once fell in love with now, will we still fall in love? Will we still have the same interactions? Will the interactions be better? More intimate? More sustainable with more communication and respect? Will they exist at all? Will I still want these relationships to happen at all? Will they like the person I am today? Will I be less fearful in the way I encountered these relationships, these people? I often wonder.

In a yoga class not so long ago, the teacher says it is important to get rid of old patterns. To dig and confront the patterns - the bad, the ugly patterns. To build something new. To challenge where we otherwise may not.

I am digging through my past. The collages are a big part of that.

I hope I work through things soon. There's a lot of work to do. I hope you enjoy the collages. I hope you can still feel some of the emotion from some of my past. I hope she resonates with you in some way. I think she still does to me a bit.