Tattoo III

This was a big budget tattoo that I spent months saving towards. In total, it cost me $680. It was done by Ruby Wolfe of Occult Tattoo, but she was a guest spot at Holy Noir in Toronto. Her style and her person is beautiful. I'm very happy with how this turned out. I have yet to take better photos of it, but I would like to share the experience of tattoo 3 with you.

What is it? 
She calls them witches. It is a woman kneeling and presumably praying with a sword piercing through her chest. She is surrounded by peonies. Leaves are erupting from her wound. She sits at my right hip and upper thigh.

What does it mean?
It is a homage to my second tattoo, which was a love heart with ME written inside and a dagger piercing through. I really did like this tattoo and the simple idea behind it, but it blew out and I got it covered up.

This is a reflection of my own fight, my own bravery and courage. It's my fight with my own life and existence. It's the struggle for confidence, security and wisdom. She feels like how I can get and who I can become. A couple of people have joked to me about the darkness of the image. In a way, that's there too. She is the way that is sometimes hard to swallow. She is the way that I get hurt, but how I hope to come out of that pain. I think this is a deeply personal tattoo, and it becomes so personal that some of the meaning is lost/buried even to myself.

Did it hurt?
In comparison, this did not hurt really. There were certain spots that were more tender, but not unbearable. Close to the second hour, I did get very antsy. Parts of the tattoo also made my foot twitch, which is a little scary given that I am being permanently marked.

How long did it take?
About 2 hours.

Why'd you do it?
I admire Ruby Wolfe's work. I think there is something very eerie and special about it. It's also true what they say - tattoos are the itch I need to scratch.

Are you getting more?
Yes, but not until I find an artist and a concept I really connect with.

Where I Stand

On a good day, I am nervous. On a bad day, I am riddled with anxiety and blind dread. Sometimes it feels like there is an ice cream scoop going into my chest, going into my stomach to take everything out. I feel hollow. It is enough to take away every proud moment and replace them with true humility.

I am so nervous right now. I am so anxious.

This is where I stand a lot these days. I don't really feel safe. I feel like I am in the eye of the storm that will destroy me. I am afraid that at every corner I will be told I am a failure. I am afraid that I will be told I am wasting my time. I'm really afraid I'll continue to stay lost. On bad days, I am crippled by this anxiety and fear. There is something said in one of my old philosophy classes. I think it was a philosophy of religion class. It goes, you don't win big unless you believe entirely. You can't truly realize the benefits and beauty of faith until you believe in it wholeheartedly. This can apply to every facet of life. It is impossible to win until you believe. To overcome fear, to achieve success, I have to jump in body and mind.

There's a lot going on these days. I'm in the last week or so of my program. I am trying to show my portfolio book to people - to get feedback, to get hired. It is so frightening to show people what I've been working on. It is more frightening to test whether or not the creativity I always valued and always thought I had - whether or not it actually exists. Am I a fraud? I am in a race against time. At every turn, I want to collapse to the ground and cry. I want to dig a hole to stand in so I never have to move. I know that this means I will never succeed. In fact, I will guarantee my own failure. Inaction is not an option. Inaction is failing.

I started going on a couple dates with a boy. I am infinitely nervous when I am not with him. I know these are all problems within myself. I sometimes worry that my past relationships have left me with more bruises than I imagined. I am a nervous ball of constant energy.

It all finishes in about a week. I have an interview this week. I am told I have to speak to myself more kindly. I have to believe in myself a little bit more. I have to believe that my circumstances will be OK. I am good. I am kind. I am loved. I have to repeat this. There's just so much going on.

NEWS FLASH

AS A MAN, YOUR TIME IS NOT MORE VALUABLE THAN MINE. 

YOUR TIME IS NOT MORE WORTHWHILE THAN MY OWN. YOU DO NOT DESERVE MORE. YOU DO NOT ASK FOR MORE. YOU DO NOT GET TO TAKE MORE. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO MORE. YOU DO NOT GET TO DEMAND MORE OF MY TIME, MORE OF MY ATTENTION, MORE OF MY GOODWILL. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO START FIRST, END FIRST, FIRST PLACE, OR TO TAKE LONGER. YOU ARE NOT MORE WORTHWHILE. YOU ARE NOT BETTER. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO MORE. YOU ARE NOT A BETTER PERSON THAN ME FOR BEING A MAN.

REPEAT AFTER ME: YOUR TIME IS NOT MORE VALUABLE THAN MY TIME. YOU ARE NOT INTRINSICALLY MORE WORTHWHILE THAN I AM. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO TAKE UP MORE OF MY TIME. YOU DO NOT GET TO TAKE MY TIME, MY CARE, MY ENERGY, MY ATTENTION. 

REPEAT AFTER ME: YOU DO NOT GET TO LAUGH WHEN I GET ANGRY ABOUT YOU. YOU DO NOT GET TO ASK WHY AM I MAD. YOU DO NOT GET TO SAY I AM OVERREACTING. YOU DO NOT GET TO SAY I NEED TO RELAX. YOU DO NOT GET TO SAY I AM JUST BEING EMOTIONAL. YOU DO NOT GET TO TRIVIALIZE ME. YOU DO NOT GET TO LAUGH. YOU DO NOT GET TO BRUSH THIS ASIDE AS MY OVERREACTION, MY TIME OF THE MONTH, MY IRRATIONAL EMOTIONS.

MY TIME IS NOT LESS VALUABLE. MY TIME IS NOT LESS IMPORTANT. MY TIME IS NOT TRIVIAL. I AM WORTHWHILE. I AM VALUABLE. I HAVE VALUABLE INPUT. I HAVE VALUABLE AND IMPORTANT OPINIONS AND IDEAS. I AM NOT SMALL. I AM NOT TO BE LAUGHED AT. I WILL NOT BE COMPLIANT. I WILL NOT SIT DOWN. I WILL NOT BACK DOWN. I WILL NOT MAKE MYSELF SMALL. I WILL NOT QUIET MY ANGER. I WILL NOT MAKE MYSELF MORE PLEASANT FOR CONSUMPTION, FOR ENTRAPMENT. IT IS NOT THAT I AM A WOMAN AND YOU WILL HEAR ME ROAR. I AM A WOMAN AND YOU WILL KNOW I AM HERE. YOU WILL ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE. YOU WILL RESPECT MY EXISTENCE. YOU WILL RESPECT MY TIME.

YOU WILL RESPECT MY TIME.

March Routine

I haven't been in a great space mentally and emotionally. I am a black cloud more often than I would like. With this in mind, I'm not sure I can say that there are 'favourites'. There are routines that make me feel better though. Here they are.

KeepCup and picking up coffee at Capital, etc. In last month's favourites, I talked about getting my KeepCup and how much I loved it. Because I purchased it at the end of the month, it became more of a routine thing this month. I have been trying to stay mindful and bring around with me. I try to make a note not to buy coffee when I don't have it. So far, I have only used 2 paper cups in the month and a bit I've had my KeepCup. Once, on my first date with Spencer and even though we were seated at the cafe, we weren't offered for here cups. The second time I had forgotten my KeepCup at home but I still wanted a treat after work. Not bad though for a month and change!

Working on the couch to music. I have gotten really sick and tired of working in my room. My room is small and my one friend once told me, it's distracting. I either work at my desk or bed. The bed is terrible because I just fall asleep. Sometimes the desk just doesn't inspire productivity. Instead, I am easily distracted by all the things I have in my room. Working on the couch or at the dinner table has been really good for this. The change of scenery - even if only moving from my room to the living room - has really helped. My go-to playlist while working has also been the Coffee Table Jazz playlist on Spotify.

Goldfish crackers. My mom on a recent trip to Costco bought a big box of snack-pack Goldfish crackers. I claimed them. I love the convenience of these. It's just easy and simple to throw into my bag for school or work. For me, my productivity lives and dies with my hunger. These have also become such a routine that Suzie, one of my wonderful classmates, bought me whole wheat Goldfish crackers that she saw on sale!