Check-In

The time is 6:25PM.

I have four days. A changeover between two semesters. It is impossible to imagine that my first semester of this program is done. It is impossible to imagine that I am halfway through with this year, halfway closer to being with my future. To think that soon I can be truly meeting the people and the world that will make up the chunk of the next part of my life... That thought makes everything spin. It makes my heart skip a beat. Pound a little faster.

From the beginning of September to here has felt like a journey. It really has. I feel exhausted. I feel tested. I feel raw, exposed and so closed off. Some of it has been exhilarating, some of it daunting. Some of it was heartbreaking. Some of it I'm still afraid to put to words. Time has moved so quickly too, that I'm not really sure what has happened and what was a little made up. The human mind is so imperfect. Memory is half history, half design. I'm sure the reflecting I do in this little gap will change, will muddle with more time. It always kind of does.

If I were to imagine writing home, here's what I have to say:

1. I really like what I'm learning. I know I'm getting better at it.
2. Heartbreak took a huge toll on me. I didn't think he could hurt me the way he did. This is defining a lot more of my perspective, outlook and attitude than I want it to. I am not happy with where my romantic life and personal headspace are. 
3. I am going to have to work a lot harder to do the best I can. To be better, to be the best. I cannot complain about this. It's the only way to succeed.
4. Being in a position when I'm good at this, can really really be my dream job. I think.
5. I want to hustle. I know my body has its limitations and it has more limitations than others, but I never want to let this stop or define me or my opportunities and capabilities.
6. I will succeed. I refuse to do otherwise.
7. I am going to be happy. 
8. I am going to create something wholly myself, for myself, by myself. I am myself in every single way. I can look at things and decide without a doubt whether something is me, or isn't. I am going  to create something that is me, for me, by me. I will do it.
9. I will let my work speak for me when I cannot speak for me.
10. I'm both excited and terrified to start really dipping my toes into this world. Adland. This feeling makes me think I'm on the right path. 

One of my teachers help me with coming up a headline. She helps me place my own idea. She asks me what am I trying to say in the ugliest words? This was it. With nothing written well, I want to say that life hasn't been easy but I don't think it's supposed to. I think I can do it though. I think I can do it well. I'm up for the challenge. I'm not done fighting.

This is just the start.