23

My birthday is in less than two hours. I'm sitting in my bedroom just in my underwear. I have a cup of lemon honey tea, and I can barely feel my arms. It's the sort of tired where it feels like my arm might drop off. I'm still sweaty from a hot yoga class. I know I'll probably look like a mess tomorrow when I wake up at 5:30AM for work. I have scratches on my wrist, small bruises on my hand, legs and breasts. Most of which I don't know where from. I look in the mirror and I see the way my body rolls, gorges and rounds. I see all the things I'm unhappy about, but also all the ways that this fragile body of mine has lasted, has endured.

I'm going to be 23. That's twenty-three times around the sun. Twenty-three years of growing, of learning, of being stupid and of trying to manifest some sort of intelligence and wisdom. In 23 years, I've tried to learn some kindness, learn some things about politics, some philosophy. Tried to learn how to be less selfish, how to be more forgiving, more patient. So many things that I can look into my life and say I've succeeded at and I've failed at. It is a constant process of learning. Of becoming. We never stop becoming, and that's the trick they don't tell you. We will never stop learning. We will always be in the process of becoming.

23 feels like a big number. It feels like it will be a big year. I hope that it will be a big year. I think I need it to be a big year of change, a significant leap or jump. A change in chapter and direction. Something needs to feel like progress, look like growth; needs to feel like the ache of building.

I wonder in twenty-three years, what have I learned? In my twenty-third year, what will I learn?

• I've learned some of what I need in a relationship. I need stability, communication, some sense of commitment. I need excitement. I need good sex. I need someone passionate, someone at least a little reckless, adventurous, intelligent. I need someone who makes me laugh; to share laughter with. I need someone I'm not scared of talking to. I need someone to be vulnerable with. 
• I've learned about timing. Not all things are meant to last forever. Not all things are meant to even begin. There is a time and a place for everyone and everything. It's no one's fault. Just the way life goes.
• I've learned about being alone. Being alone happens. Loneliness happens. Surrounded in a crowded room with strangers or friends, loneliness happens. There is nothing wrong with being alone or feeling lonely. It helps us learn. It helps us explore. It helps us grow.
• There is a time to fight and a time to flow. Some things are worth fighting for, fighting against. Like working out of a bad situation, the way your body can stiffen and harden, the opportunities that you have to fight tooth and nail to have and to keep. Some things you have to just accept and ride out. Like drugs. 
• Try to live in the moment. There is only so much we can do about the past or the future. But also, remember that the moment passes. Whatever is bad now won't always be bad. Everything, good or bad, keeps moving. What is bad now, or what is good now might not be so bad or good in a week. Flow. Breathe. 
• The Good People exist. They're worth waiting for. They're worth finding. I know I forget this often, but I have to know that this is true. 
• I've learned about the importance of travel. Or more specifically, of unfamiliarity. The unfamiliar opens our eyes. We learn so much about the world and ourselves when we travel, when we explore. When we see the world with fresh eyes; child's eyes. 
• Have fun. Enjoy yourself. Loosen your jaw. Remember to breathe. Cry if you want to. Always strive for that deep belly laughter. 
• I've learned the importance of letting go, even if I don't quite know how to do this yet.
• I've learned so much about myself. Every new adventure, every new task, every problem or conflict, every time I feel so angry or so sad. Every time I feel uplifted, happy, disappointed. I am learning so much about myself, my past, my own personality, my ability and capacity to handle challenges and discomfort. How I handle fear. 
• I've learned to cook. 
• I've learned how to push my body. Through yoga, through colds, through sickness. Through the daily everyday practices of living. 
• I've learned the importance of not knowing. The importance of mystery and ambiguity. There doesn't have to be an explanation or a rationale. Things happen. Life happens. That's just the way it goes. 
• I'm learning how to smile through it all. How to breathe, how to step back and enjoy it anyways. I'm not any good at this, but I'm trying. I'm learning. 
• Et cera, et cera... 

I want things to go well. I always want things to go well. I want all the things that didn't happen this year, to happen next year. I want to embrace the world more, its people more, myself more. I want love, I want the start of a career, I want the bonds I already have to continue to strengthen and last. I want money. I want some sense of stability and upwardness in my life. I want to get my full license. Maybe a cat. I want to see things more from my parents' point of view. I want to learn more of their history and why they think the way they do. I don't want to disappoint my parents. I want to worry them less. I want more tattoos. I want my body toner and leaner. I want my skin to be better, to be less angry with me. I want to accept my body more for the way it is, but to never stop pushing for better. I want to keep up with yoga. I want to paint and draw, and I want to make this consistent and a real practice. I want nice clothes. I want to spend less money on trivial things. I want to be happy. I want to be more vulnerable. I want to do more for my friends. I want the Good People in my life, and more of them. I want to be around creative people. I want to be around kind people. I want to be loud and embracive of life. I don't want to back down from challenges. I want to move past the Fear. I want, I want, I want. I will have.

Every year is another year, another chapter, another start. Every month is another month, another chapter, another start. Every week is another week, another chapter, another start. Every day is another start. Every day is another opportunity for something to change everything.

22 was good. 23 will be good. 23 will be great. It will be to challenge, to endure, and to strive.