Nude Update

Today is February 1, 2016, and this is how I look naked.

I'm not sure how many people know I do this, but if you ever find my Macbook in the wild and you choose to open the Photobooth application, you will be overrun by nude photos of myself. Surprise.

I've been taking nude portraits of myself for years now. I think when I was 17, they were partially nude or pictures with the bra and underwear still on but the exercise of photographing myself in minimal clothing has always been something I did. You can call this habit any number of things- jailbait, scandalous, slutty, stupid, attention seeking, ego boosting. I don't really care.

If we've dated, I've probably texted you nude photos. If we've lived together, you've probably seen me walking around with my bum hanging out. If you've come over and I'm still asleep, you'll probably find me nude in bed. The first time one of my old roommates' mom saw me, she asked my roommate if I ever wore clothes.

The nude body has always been something of interest- the way that you see people and their lumps and bumps, caves and cervices; the way your partner walks naked across the room; the vulnerability and bravery that a nude body can expose; the parts of themselves someone may expose or hide when they first strip down. Away from the eroticism that we typically associate with nudity, the nude body is so gentle. Skin and the way that it reflects light and darkness, is so gentle. It's vulnerable, and this is so beautiful and soothing.

I don't typically associate the nude with eroticism. Maybe I've become desensitized to it, having watched too much pornography or been on Tumblr far too long. Can I blame it on being too involved in art?

For myself, I record myself nude periodically. I photograph myself nude. They're not amazing photographs- usually terrible ones on my Macbook webcam or poorly angled ones on my digital camera. Once a year on my birthday, I take a nude selfie with an instant camera, tape that into my journal. I do it to remember where I was, where I want to be. I do it to learn to become more comfortable in my own skin, and to discover how I'm not. I do it to accept who we are as human- imperfect, vulnerable, soft, riddled with insecurities and complications. I do it to pick apart my body and what I don't like, but to see how far I've come. I do it to find home again in my body, to find confidence and security in the way my hair falls, the way my boobs lay, the way my stomach rounds and my bum scoops. I think this practice is therapeutic. I think it's important.

I haven't been photographing myself as often. I'm not dating anyone. I'm so busy with work, I haven't had the opportunity to practice yoga, to move my body and feel the same confidence as when I'm active. I haven't felt very creative or motivated.

This is a restart. It is February 1, 2016, and I am naked in bed writing this. It is time to take stock of where I am, where I'm going, and where I want to go. I want to be with my body again, be with my mind and creativity. I want to cleanse, to start with the clean, gentle, soft nude body. This is my body and this is my mind and soul. I am going to find home in it again and again. It is February and it is time to take stock of everything, to cleanse everything.