Bad Feminist

I went on a date with a guy. I confessed that in a few of my past dates, it never made it past the first date. I told him I thought it was because I discussed politics. He told me the guys probably thought I was too intense. I was too much work. I told him that these things - politics, feminism, society - were all important things to me, and part of who I am. This guy told me later that night that he didn’t think things would work out between us.

I am finishing Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay. Here are some quotes I found interesting. Really hit home.

• “This is what is so rarely said about unlikeable women in fiction - that they aren’t pretending, that they won’t or can’t pretend to be someone they are not. They have neither the energy for it nor the desire. They don’t have the willingness of a May Welland to play the part demanded of her. In Gone Girl, Amy talks about the temptation of being the woman a man wants, but ultimately she doesn’t give in to the temptation to be ‘the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain.’ Unlikeable women refuse to give in to that temptation. They are, instead, themselves. They accept the consequences of their choices, and those consequences become stories worth reading” (p. 95).
• “The solutions are obvious. Stop making excuses. Stop saying women run publishing. Stop justifying the lack of parity in prominent publications that have the resources to address gender inequality. Stop parroting the weak notion that you’re simply publishing the best writing, regardless. There is ample evidence of the excellence of women writers. Publish more women writers. If women aren’t submitting to your publication or press, ask yourself why, deal with the answers even if those answers make you uncomfortable, and then reach out to women writers. If women don’t respond to your solicitations, go find other women. Keep doing that, issue after issue after issue. Read more widely. Create more inclusive measures of excellence. Ensure that books by men and women are being reviewed in equal numbers. Nominate more deserving women for the important awards. Deal with your resentment. Deal with your biases. Vigorously resist the urge to dismiss the gender problem. Make the effort and make the effort and make the effort until you no longer need to, until we don’t need to keep having this conversation” (pp. 171-172).
• “The right way to be a woman is to be thin, to wear makeup, to wear the right kind of clothes (not too slutty, not too prudish - show a little leg, ladies), and so on. Good women are charming, polite, and unobtrusive. Good women work but are content to earn 77 percent of what men earn or, depending on whom you ask, good women bear children and stay home to raise those children without complaint. Good women are modest, chaste, pious, submissive. Women who don’t adhere to these standards are the fallen, the undesirable; they are bad women” (p. 304).

I am a feminist. I have never considered myself to be a good feminist or a bad feminist, although after reading this book and following in her line of thought, I am like Roxane Gay, a bad feminist. I revel in the fact.

In a third year feminist philosophy class, it was the first time I’ve heard of the time “feminisms”. I had considered and claimed myself to be a feminist since some time in high school. Anywhere from grade 10 to 12, with the force growing stronger as the years went on and my knowledge and experience grew. Yet it was only in a third-year feminist philosophy class with maybe 16 people that I learned feminism can be nuanced and different. There can be difference within feminism. White, rich, heteronormative feminism (”essentialist feminism”) is not the only brand of feminism. I was flabbergasted.

I am a feminist. I am a bad feminist. I am a mess of contradictions, and I dare you to tell me I am anything but exceptional for it.

I am. The last line of the book is: I am a bad feminist. I would rather be a bad feminist than no feminist at all.

FEMINIST

Su, an Australian woman in Kathy Bail's 1996 anthology DIY Feminism defined feminists as "just women who don't want to be treated like shit."

Me

There is so little you know about me, about my life. 

You see the projections, the stories, the carefully crafted persona. The fun. The highlights. Bright smile, fabulous lifestyle. All that time she spends in coffee shops, in galleries, in nice restaurants, shopping, lounging.

Is reality still reality when so much of it becomes curated?

Things are not easy. Life is complicated. Sometimes it becomes almost too complicated. Every story has bad, unhappy, exhausting, irritating details. This is a detail from today, May 30th.

Safe Spaces

I hope you don't try coming and looking for me. 

Years ago, I read somewhere about the need for safe spaces. A place where we could feel safe, feel calm, feel ourselves. Feel at peace, find peace again. It can be anywhere. It doesn't have to be a special or profound space. It is just where you feel safe, comfortable, relaxed. At ease. Years ago, one of my safe spaces was a two-story Chapters flagship underneath a movie theatre. There doesn't have to be a reason why this is a safe space. Maybe there is, but the important part is that it is simply a safe space.

Early Bird Cafe - A close-by cafe that over the years, has become something of a second home. In the last couple years, I've been branching out to other neighbouring cafes because Early Bird has gotten so crowded as it's become more popular. This space is still a home though. It is where I always come back to when I'm not feeling my happiest, not feeling my brightest. It is the familiar espresso bar, the hug of the warm latté against the back of my throat, the same wooden tables and old school chairs. The neon glow of the Early Bird sign. The hints of greenery. The faces of the baristas. It is somewhere to disappear with a book or my journal, and disappear for hours at a time.

The yoga studio - A new safe space for me. I have been practising yoga on and off for just over two years now. If we counted up the months where I practice a little more consistently, I think it is closer to a year or a year and a half. I prefer group practices. I like the voice of the teacher guiding us, I like the unified movement of everyone in the room. I like the music. I like the light. The motivation of everyone trying, everyone moving around me. I choose a different practice based on what my body needs at the time. It always helps though. It is a space away from my phone, away and separate from my place in the world. From my responsibilities, from my insecurities and inconsistencies. From the things that make me feel any sort of way - mad, or sad, or overjoyed. It is a blank slate. It is bringing myself back to my body. Back to myself. The practice of yoga has really helped ground me over these past two years of on-and-off practice. I think I really found something that has the potential to be part of the rest of my life.

Trinity Bellwoods - There's one spot that you will find me more often than not at the park. The open space, nature, the sun or setting sun, the dogs... This space speaks for itself.

Gallery hopping - While this isn't a specific space, it is a very specific practice. Art is where I have always sought comfort, always found intrigue and an openness. It is where I am most curious, but also where I am most comfortable with questions unanswered. It is very calming for me. Gallery spaces, in general, also tend to be quiet and not very busy. They're nice to sit, enjoy some art and relax. And gallery hopping is a way of losing hours to this practice.


These are my places. If I'm anxious, sad, upset, afraid, angry, or maybe just in need of somewhere to process, you'll likely find me here. Although as the prefix says and the point of safe spaces denote, don't come find me. I encourage you to find your own safe spaces though. Find somewhere that lets you come home to yourself again. Find somewhere to keep quiet and find some peace of mind.